Trump's Legal Woes
WASHINGTON, DC - In response to former President Trump's lawyer's "hypothetical" argument that the President is legally allowed to kill political opponents, Supreme Court justices agreed that the president is legally allowed to kill political rivals, as long as there is no more than
Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack
Employment
SEATTLE, WA - In need of work-life balance, local resident Stephen Ericson decided to stop going to work without notifying his employer. The incident, which began one month ago, has led to Ericson continuing to receive paychecks from his employer. "The only time I even login to my work
Israel
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Google announced this morning that it will begin terminating any employee who expresses an opinion—positive, negative, or otherwise—on the Israel-Palestine conflict, especially opinions that may jeopardize Google's deal to provide cloud infrastructure to Israel. The company states this policy is a key
Conspiracy Theorist
In an exclusive interview from his underground bunker, local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed Elon Musk superfan, Terry Adams, shared his theory about how Bill Gates is allegedly planning to implant microchips in people worldwide. Terry, who only communicates through encrypted messages and believes Wi-Fi signals can read thoughts, began the
Lists
“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out
Neighbor
In a neighborhood that was previously known for its picket fences and well-tended lawns, residents are now grappling with a rather unusual situation. Local man Harold Thompson has allegedly stumbled upon a hidden portal in his backyard that leads directly into his neighbor's garage, and he insists that
Bureacracy
Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks
Business
Boeing has apparently sidestepped a major lawsuit after passengers on one of its planes miraculously survived a fall from a "giant hole" that appeared mid-flight. The incident, which has led to widespread disbelief, occurred last week during a flight that was, up until the hole's appearance,
Torn Wires is an independent nonpartisan satirical news and humor publication. We publish a wide range of satire and humor content.
1. While traveling internationally avoid being robbed by dressing like a homeless person. 2. If you are traveling internationally but you do not have enough money to pay for your trip then make some extra money by smuggling drugs into the country that you are visiting. 3. If you’re
LOS ANGELES - A-list actor Tom Cruise announced he’s parting ways with the Church of Scientology after realizing he hasn't been on a prolonged movie set for the past three decades. Sources close to Cruise state that for years, the actor believed his involvement with the Church
In an innovative approach to health and fitness, FlexFlex Revolution Gym has unveiled its latest strategy to ensure members show up: The “Get Up or Else” membership plan. For just $29.99 a month, members can now enjoy the traditional amenities of a gym, plus the added benefit of a
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden expressed his deep frustration after Israel's government issued a statement claiming that the recent attack on an aid convoy was, in fact, a mistake. The President, known for his calm demeanor and aviator sunglasses, reportedly wishes Israel would just admit it
In a groundbreaking study that has rocked the parking lots of Whole Foods and the driveways of Silicon Valley, researchers have concluded that a whopping 97% of Tesla drivers believe they're superior to non-Tesla motorists. The findings, published in the prestigious journal Nature, have finally provided empirical evidence
With the right approach and a dash of clever wordplay, you can fool almost anyone into thinking you’re the Einstein of the group.
Former American President Donald Trump, possibly in an effort to make himself look like an even worse person, read the article “How to be a Dictator” on the website Wiki-How. This information was released by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) who claims to have been monitoring the
MOSCOW - In an over the top display of political oppression, President of Russia, Vladimir Putin has had every single voter who did not vote for him in the recent election killed. "Winning an election by less than 100% is unacceptable," exclaimed Putin at a press briefing. Political
Antony Blinken, currently the 71st US Secretary of State and the man that gave the world bland diplomacy, has paid a whistle-stop visit to Thailand. In the press briefing following the visit, a spokesperson for Blinken said, “We’ve tried our best to keep this visit under the radar. How
International observers have raised a number of concerns regarding ballot rigging in Russia's election for president. A spokesperson for the team of over a hundred polling station monitors, Livanya Knees, raised a list of concerns at a news conference in Helsinki after the ballots had closed, and the
In a rare intervention by the Supreme Court in America, it has handed down a ruling that an ancient law governing presidential elections is to be enacted for the upcoming 2024 presidential election. This states that the two leading candidates must compete in an egg-and-spoon race over one hundred yards.
BEIJING - The President of China made a highly unorthodox statement regarding the mysterious disappearance of a high-ranking government official. The President solemnly declared, via an official press conference, that he “pinkie promises” he had nothing to do with the official’s vanishing. The missing official, who was last seen
