Government Employee is Actually Productive, Nation Declares State of Emergency

Government Employee is Actually Productive, Nation Declares State of Emergency
Photo by Katie Moum / Unsplash

Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks before his morning coffee break.

The crisis deepened when John's immediate supervisor checked his work and found it to be not only complete but also devoid of the usual errors that necessitate several additional layers of review. "I didn’t know what to do," she confessed. "His efficiency has disrupted our schedule of endless meetings and coffee breaks. It’s unsettling."

As news of John’s competency spread, panic ensued throughout the government. The President of the United States addressed the nation in a televised speech Tuesday night, trying to calm the populace. "My fellow Americans, our way of life is under threat," he solemnly declared. "A government working efficiently is uncharted territory for us all. We must not let this crisis of competency disrupt our cherished traditions of endless deliberation and perpetual planning."

Congress has pledged to act swiftly, with leaders from both parties calling for a bipartisan investigation into how a government employee was able to complete tasks effectively. "We cannot allow this kind of radical efficiency to undermine our system of checks and balances," stated the Senate Majority Leader. "We are setting up a committee to look into this matter, and we expect to have findings within the next decade or so."

Citizens have also been affected. Protests erupted in several cities with demonstrators holding signs that read, "Bring Back the Bureaucracy" and "What’s Next? Effective Politicians?" Social media has been ablaze with debates about the implications of this anomaly, with many expressing a nostalgic longing for the days when you could count on the government to not get things done.

As for John, he has been placed on administrative leave while his superiors try to determine the best course of action. Inside sources suggest that he may be promoted to a position where his efficiency can be safely contained, or reassigned to a new department specifically created to never accomplish anything.

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