Pre-Printed Ballot Papers Cast Doubt over Legitimacy of Putin Election Win

Pre-Printed Ballot Papers Cast Doubt over Legitimacy of Putin Election Win
Photo by Arnaud Jaegers / Unsplash

International observers have raised a number of concerns regarding ballot rigging in Russia's election for president. A spokesperson for the team of over a hundred polling station monitors, Livanya Knees, raised a list of concerns at a news conference in Helsinki after the ballots had closed, and the group of observers had safely skedaddled to a safe country.

“I’ve overseen elections in dozens of countries, some of them with pretty unsavoury candidates running for office,” said Ms Knees to a packed hall of news hounds, “But I’ve never seen anything like this.”

When asked by the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme, to give ‘for instances’, Ms Knee listed the following:

The ballot papers were pre-printed with a cross against Vladimir Putin’s name.

The ballot papers also had a hole in the place where a cross could have been put against all the other candidates’ names.

The other candidates all had the word ‘Deceased’ printed beside their names.

The ballot papers were already inside the ballot box before the polling booths were opened.

All the ballot boxes were sealed and had no slot.

“That’s just the half of it,” bemoaned Ms Knees, “There was a large bottle of clear liquid on top of each ballot box labelled Novichok. I think this was meant to intimidate voters.”

Ms Knees then went on to list the restrictions that had been imposed on her and her team during their polling station visits.

“When we arrived at the polling stations the Russian guards took us straight from the coach to the local fire stations. There we were all made to strip naked on the grounds that we could be concealing recording devices such as a crayon and paper. Then we were power hosed down with seawater by firemen, apparently for hygiene reasons. It was minus sixty degrees in some of those places. I had icicles dangling from my ass! Then we were given directions back to the polling stations. At this point they blindfolded us, and still naked, sent us on our way back to the polling stations. They used cattle prods to keep us moving, and the bastards kept putting rat-traps on the ground in front of us. In all honesty, I can’t declare the election free and fair.”

A spokesman for president Putin, Ripya Ballsoff, said, “There was no electoral fraud. Our guy won fair and square. If anyone has any evidence at all of electoral interference, I invite them to visit me in my office and present me with that evidence so we can scrutinise it forensically to ensure nothing untoward has taken place.”

When asked by the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, where his office was, Ballsoff replied, “Stalag number one, Acacia Gardens, Siberia, or to be more precise, their new home.”