Antony Blinken Visits Thailand to Pursue Stronger Economic and Defense Ties…he says!

Antony Blinken Visits Thailand to Pursue Stronger Economic and Defense Ties…he says!
Photo by Evan Krause / Unsplash

Antony Blinken, currently the 71st US Secretary of State and the man that gave the world bland diplomacy, has paid a whistle-stop visit to Thailand. In the press briefing following the visit, a spokesperson for Blinken said, “We’ve tried our best to keep this visit under the radar. How the bejeesus did you guys find out about it? If his Misses finds out she’ll do her nut.”

When pressed by the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, as to the purpose of the visit, the spokesman said, “It is absolutely about improving economic relations with this warm, sunny, low cost of living country, and maybe improve military cooperation between our two countries as well. It is categorically not about anything remotely kinky, or the chance for the Secretary of State to top up his tan.”

However, when a copy of the itinerary was given to the press, some of the items listed raised a few eyebrows. For example:

- Visit to Ko Samui beach to evaluate the rate of climate change in Thailand versus Washington DC. Specifically the rate at which an American citizen changes colour in strong sunshine wearing nothing but speedos and factor 14.

   - Late night visit to Baby Boom bar, New bar, Duangjai Ladyboy bar, Fantasy Lounge, and Lita bar to assess the capacity of an American diplomat’s tolerance of alcohol in a hot, humid, tightly packed environment.

   - Late night visit to the entertainment district of Patpong as well as locations in the western Sukhmvit Road area, specifically Soi Cowboy and the Nana Plaza building to assess the effects of an excessive consumption of alcohol in a leg-over situation on a US diplomat’s ‘first lieutenant’. 

Speaking for the Republican party, the member for Godforsaken, Idaho, Senator Ivan Tsometoo, said, “This is a disgraceful waste of the American taxpayers’ money. It’s blatantly a junket. That fucker Blinken should be ashamed of himself. Fact-finding visits like this should be cross party and at least include one senator from the Republican party, specifically me. I’ve never seen a ladyboy.”

After much dirt digging by the whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme, it emerged that Blinken’s trip was fully funded, not by the US taxpayer, but by the Israeli government. They organized the trip, booked the hotels, and provided security throughout the visit.

A spokesperson for the Secretary of State’s Protective Division, Miss Thebus, said, “Heads are gonna roll for this fuck-up. We didn’t know he’d gone! He must have slipped out of a window in the restroom. Who knows what the hell he got up to over there? Bangkok ain’t Kansas, Toto.”

However, a spokesman for Benjamin Netanyahoo, Al Ready, said, “We are all very pleased with the outcome of the Secretary of State’s visit. We took some beautiful snaps of the guy in action, and look forward to him taking a much more sympathetic view of Israel’s plight…unless he wants the ‘Mister Floppy’ pics all over the internet.”