Pete Hegseth says He’s “Too Manly to be Impeached”
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth stated that “he will never be impeached,” declaring that the constitutional process was designed for weaker men who lack the upper-body strength necessary to defend themselves against congressional oversight.
“Impeachment is for cowards, bureaucrats, and men who use moisturizer,” Hegseth declared to a room full of reporters. “I never use moisturizer and I bench press 285 pounds. Do you seriously think some pencil-neck congressman with a law degree is going to remove me from office?”
Hegseth then flexed his biceps before reminding reporters that the Founding Fathers never intended the Constitution to apply to men who could deadlift twice their body weight.
“George Washington didn’t cross the Delaware so a bunch of beta males could hold hearings about my conduct,” Hegseth continued. “He crossed it because he was an absolute warrior who understood that real leadership means never apologizing and occasionally taking your shirt off to establish dominance.”
After taking a dramatic pause, Hegseth concluded by stating, “We cannot allow hostile actors to weaponize accountability against our nation's strongest men.”
