WASHINGTON — Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed deep disappointment Thursday morning after witnessing what he described as “one of the dullest explosions I’ve ever seen,” following a U.S. drone strike on a boat of suspected South American drug smugglers.
“I really think that watching boat strikes is as boring as watching paint dry,” Hegseth announced during a Cabinet meeting, still holding the now-stale popcorn he had brought for the occasion. “Sure, you technically get to see people on the boat catch fire and fall dramatically into the ocean, but the drone camera is, like, a mile away. You can’t even see the fear on their faces as they’re headed toward their inevitable death. What’s the point of high-budget military action if I don’t get HD facial expressions?”
According to sources in the room, Hegseth made the comment immediately after replaying the footage three times “just to confirm how underwhelming it was.”
When speaking to one of the drone operators for comment, the operator confirmed that Hegseth had been audibly unimpressed.
“I thought it was exciting,” said the operator, who requested anonymity because he is not authorized to speak publicly about having the time of his life blowing up boats. “How often do you get to vaporize people on the high seas without any paperwork or moral consequences?”
The operator said Hegseth also made “a really obvious excuse” to avoid sticking around for a second strike demonstration, claiming he “had a thing at 3:00” and “needed to beat traffic,” despite being in a secure building with no windows and a chauffeur.
“He asked if we could do the explosion closer to the drone next time,” the operator said. “We told him that’s not how drones work, and he said that’s ‘a dumb design flaw.’”
When reached for comment a second time, Secretary Hegseth doubled down.
“It really was a waste of time bringing popcorn to that event,” he said. “If I wanted to watch vague dots on a screen burst into flames, I’d just play a mobile game.”
He went on to express envy for the Department of Homeland Security.
“Honestly, I wish I was the head of Homeland Security,” Hegseth said. “At least they get front-row seats while federal agents drag illegals onto buses. Way more intimate. There’s eye contact. Sometimes even tears. That’s what makes government work rewarding.”
The White House has not responded to requests for comment.
