One of America’s leading paint companies, Valspar, has today proudly announced to a gathered press pack the launch of a new color that it has added to its range of paints. It’s called ‘Trump Sienna’. It’s supposed to be an exact match of the color of ex president and comb-over cutie Donald Trump’s left cheek.
“Our paint boffins have been working on this one since twenty sixteen,” crowed Justin JimJams, the spokesperson for the company, “And we’re pretty damned pleased with ourselves.”
Jimjams went on to add, “This is only one shade in what we’re calling our ‘washed up’ range of paints, soon to be launched in stores across the US. But Trump Sienna is the jewel in the crown.
Donald Trump’s left cheek is a particularly unique shade of orangey-brown, unaffected by any facial blood flushes normal human beings are susceptible to, such as embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, and failed lie detector tests. Any normal human being with even the merest hint of a moral compass would be all over the place, bright red when caught in a lie, through to deathly grey when dragged into court for treason. Not so Trump. His color is as steady as a rock, and that’s what we want from our paints for our customers.”
The slick gobshite added, “It took us so long to match Trump’s particular shade because the machine we use to develop a match kept coming up with unacceptable readings.”
“Give us a for instance?” barked the cub reporter from the UK’s top gardening magazine, Thyme.
“For instance… Wetback brown, suicide bomber sepia, drug dealer hazel, shit like that. But our technical whiz kids down in Georgia recalibrated the machine by 11,780 notches and out popped Trump sienna. It’s really durable and forms a very thick skin when applied. Honestly, you can throw any amount of shit at it, but it never sticks.”
“Tell us about the other colors,” slurred a press hound slumped against the free bar at the back of the room.
“There’s Trump sienna junior. We’re not so proud of that sucker. It’s a little too thick. Then there’s Ivanka green. We’ve had a few problems with that one as well, to be honest. You can’t rely on it sticking to the same side it started on. One we’re quite pleased with is Giuliani insipid. This starts a very loud grey with brown streaks running down from the top, but fades rapidly to a deep ashen grey when it sees the $148 million price tag.”
A spokeswoman for one of Valspar’s leading competitors was not impressed.
“I think they’re making a huge mistake launching this particular range. It’ll flop. Our new range, Biden Blands, is much better. All the colours are neutral, and inoffensively ‘one shade fits all’. The only problem is, whatever surface it’s sprayed on, the paint keeps sliding too far to the left.”