US Supreme Court to Rule Whether Trump is Satan

US Supreme Court to Rule Whether Trump is Satan
Photo by Claire Anderson / Unsplash

Ex-president and fanny magnet Donald Trump has had his share of troubles with the US courts of late. But now in a move widely predicted by pundits, the US Supreme Court has agreed to rule on Trump’s most difficult and controversial court battle. 

Trump is defending an action brought against him in a New York court by Jorge Mario Bergoglio, more commonly known as Pope Francis. The action stated that Trump is not, in fact a human being, but in truth a ‘fallen angel’ who has previously operated under a number of aliases, such as Lucifer, Old Nick, The Devil, and Satan.

Pope Francis, an Italian citizen, was granted leave to bring the action against ex president Trump by the European Court of Human Rights. Whilst the US has not ratified any convention on international human rights since 2002, special leave was granted by Joe Biden for this action to be brought in the US against ex president and wig wearer Trump on the grounds of ‘probable conviction’. 

The final outcome after a short trial was that a jury of twelve good men and true voted a resounding verdict of guilty. Trump is, in fact, Satan.

As expected, Trump’s close friend and lawyer, Rudi Jiuliani, or, to use his real name, Beelzebub, appealed against the verdict. The appeal was subsequently rejected by all lower courts and pushed ‘up the hill’ to the US Supreme Court for a final adjudication. After a great deal of ‘umming’ and ‘ahhing’, the Supreme Court has at last agreed to rule on the case. Their verdict is expected this coming April.

In his Sunday address to the faithful from the balcony in the Vatican, Pope Francis bemoaned the US Supreme Court’s decision.

“It’s a fucking stitch-up,” declared the pontiff. Then, referring specifically to the members of the Supreme Court, he added, “With a few exceptions of the decrepit and the gaga, they’re all Trump’s appointees. He’s bound to get off. But that won’t change the fact that he is Satan.” 

Commenting on the US Supreme Court’s decision to hear the appeal, the Russian ambassador to the UK, Andrey Kelin, smirked, “Our man Donnie-boy will inevitably win his appeal. I would expect nothing less from him. He’s a master strategist and saw the Pope’s move coming a mile off. That’s why he nobbled the Supreme Court years ago by packing it full of his own butt-lizards. The guy’s no jack-ass.”

When asked by the young cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme, whether he believed Trump was, in fact, the Devil, Kelin barked, “Of course he isn’t, dumb-ass!”

Kelin then turned towards a portrait of the Russian supremo, Vladimir Putin, fell to his knees, then started flagellating himself with a hedgehog on a rope. 

Political pundits agree with Kelin’s forecasted outcome from the Supreme Court’s ruling on the case, i.e. that Trump will win his appeal, this despite the FBI yesterday releasing infra red photos of Donald Trump’s head. These clearly show that beneath his wig there are two short stubby horns protruding from his skull just above his ears.