UK Parliament Speaker Under Threat After Fart Prank

UK Parliament Speaker Under Threat After Fart Prank
Catherine Bebbington/Parliamentary

There was turmoil in the UK House of Commons yesterday after the Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, carried out a prank on the assembled Members of Parliament, that has been widely condemned by all UK parliamentary parties, the establishment, and the majority of British citizens.

“It was in extremely bad taste, and possibly an act of treason,” barked the MP for Grimsby South, Griff B’Stard, “I’d have pulled him from his chair and ripped the blackguard’s balls off, had I not been too drunk to stand up at the time.”

Many other MPs expressed similar views of antipathy towards the speaker. It’s now believed that a motion of no confidence in the Speaker will be brought before the house, a process which may result in Sir Lindsay being forced to resign.

The chaos began last night at the closing of the parliamentary session. This is usually concluded with all the members present standing up, then mumbling the national anthem, as the Speaker of the House knocks out ‘God Save the King’ on the comb and paper, his rendition played just loud enough to wake up the slumbering back benchers so they know it was time to go home. 

However, instead of the usual comb and paper, Sir Lindsay announced to the House that, in a change to the normal routine, he had learned a new version of the anthem. Sir Lindsay then proceeded to drop his trousers and fart out the tune, in an attempt to mimic the famous French cabaret artist, Joseph Pujol, more commonly known as Le Petomane. 

Pujol had incredible control over is rectum and his bodily gasses, and could not only mimic many sounds through his anus, but could also give very plausible renditions of many popular and classical tunes using only his bottom and his wind. 

However, Sir Lindsay’s rendition was just one long wet fart.

A chastened Sir Lindsay had to face a baying press pack at a news conference hastily prepared following the outrageous anal performance of the Speaker.

“I am truly sorry for what I did,” blubbed the contrite Speaker, “and I hope this doesn’t lead to me having to resign and lose the cosy package of bungs, benefits and back-handlers that comes with having this cushy number of a job.”

But when pressed by the press pack for the reasons Hoyle pulled off the bizarre and disrespectful stunt, the Speaker came across somewhat less contrite.

“Why in God’s name did you do it?” asked the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme.

“Shut your yap, you stunted little twat,” bellowed Hoyle, “I’m the fucking Speaker of the House. I can do what I like. I don’t have to answer to little turds like you!”

Hoyle then turned on his heels and left the room, each of his steps accompanied by a squeaking fart.

An apology letter on behalf of Hoyle issued from the Speaker’s office after the press conference contained the following statement:

“The Speaker apologises unreservedly for his brusque behaviour towards the young reporter from Thyme. Sir Lindsay recognises the lad was only doing his job. In truth the incident in the house was caused by two factors creating the ‘perfect storm’. Firstly Sir Lindsay had had a mixed bean curry for lunch. Secondly, he had forgotten his comb and paper. Sir Lindsay, should he continue in his role as Speaker, has promised never to improvise again. That said, Sir Lindsay swears blind he can now fart out ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ with accompanying sound effects.”