In a surprise move that has shocked human rights activists, and people smugglers to the core, the UK Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, today announced that he has abandoned the Government’s flagship Rwanda scheme.
This was introduced as deterrent to those seeking to enter the country illegally using small boats, then claiming asylum. By bundling them onto jets and whisking them off to Rwanda, it was hoped that, once offloaded in this African craphole, it was too far away for their cries of torture to be heard. Also, after paying everything they had to the people smugglers, these scroungers wouldn’t have any money left over for the bus fare back to Blightie. But the scheme to date has been a disaster. Over £400 million has been squandered on the scheme with the only people being sent to Rwanda so far being three British Home Secretaries for bribing and piss-up purposes.
However, undaunted by the embarrassment of the Rwanda scheme’s abysmal failure, the diminutive UK PM has struck a new contract. This is a much more ambitious scheme that Sunak hopes will be an even bigger deterrent to would be illegal immigrants than the Rwanda debacle, and more lucrative to his Tory buddy embezzlers.
Costing £140 billion of taxpayers’ money, Astrobotic are to manufacture twenty Peregrine Landers per year in this ten-year deal. Each mission can carry up to one illegal immigrant. The launch site is to be based in Scotland or some other shithole a long way from London, and deportations will take place either on the King’s birthday, or every time a senior Tory minister accepts a bribe, whichever is the more frequent.
“I’m delighted with myself,” crowed the UK Prime Minister to a hastily assembled press pack, “Just because I look like Roland Rat* doesn’t mean I’m a woolly thinker. Despite the undoubtedly huge success of the Rwanda scheme, this new one will be even better. The budget is massive. My pals and I creamed off a fortune with the PPE scandal, and that was only £100 billion. Sucking cash up from the bottom feeders to us rich folks has never been so easy. On top of that, we’ll be getting rid of at least one scrounging foreign bum a year!”
It was pointed out by the cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine ‘Thyme’ that a) The Peregrine mission to the moon failed, and b) Humans can’t survive on the lunar surface.
“Not my problem,” grinned the PM, popping open a bottle of Champagne, “It’s up to those Astrobotic boffins to sort that out. Whether the capsule lands on the moon, Rwanda or Timbuktu, makes no difference to me... as long as it’s nowhere near here.”
Daphne Flowerbud, the spokesperson for the leftie, pinko, live-on-your-knees, hug a tree campaign to promote illegal immigration, the ‘use the back entrance’ group said, “What Rwanda scheme?”
Written by David Smith