Trump to divert Ukrainian Funds to Pay His Fines If Elected

Trump to divert Ukrainian Funds to Pay His Fines If Elected

Ex president and fanny magnet Donald Trump surprised a room full of seasoned journalists at a news conference at Mar-a-Lago yesterday. To a crowded press room, Trump promised that, if re elected to be US president, he would re-allocate the money earmarked to help the Ukrainians in their fight against the Russian megalomaniac Vladimir Putin, and his illegal invasion of their country.

“The US taxpayer should not be wasting money on a war that cannot be won if we withdraw our funding,” blurted out Trump when responding to a question pitched at him by the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme.

“But my question was ‘are you wearing a wig,’ protested the young journalist.

With no regard to what was asked, the president thundered on, saying, “A bomb explodes. Then what? Putin doesn’t surrender, does he? Hell no! He just fires one right back. It’s stupid. Why waste money doing that? The US tax dollar is much better spent on something that gives the taxpayer real value… Like paying the hundreds of millions of dollars in fines I seem to have accumulated. It’s a frickin’ witch hunt!”

“How is that value?” shouted the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, “Those fines should be paid by you for your misdemeanors, bunging illegal money to porn stars, fiddling your books, and sexual harassment. Why should the American taxpayer bail you out?”

“Do you work for sleepy Joe?’ Barked the bloated, baboon’s ass-faced ex president, “This is a witch hunt, witch hunt, witch hunt! Why should I have to pay the money? I’m God’s chosen one, and I will smite you with a big stick if you don’t button your cake-hole!”

With this the ex president nodded towards a bunch of burly bearded men at the back of the room, all wearing ‘We’re Proud Trumpadores’ sleeveless shirts. They immediately snapped into action and bundled all the reporters out of the room using cattle prods.

Following the press conference, the opinion of leading political pundits was sought. First to comment was ex president Trump’s lawyer and confidante, Rudi Jiuliani. Speaking from a rafter in his attic where he hangs upside down every day until nightfall, Jiuliani barked, “Of course the taxpayer should bear the burden for all Trump’s fines, and mine too! What the hell are taxes for if not for bail outs and cover-ups for the rich and powerful?”

Ex UK prime minister, Theresa May commented, “Trump is a true gentleman. When I was PM he never once shoved his hand up my blouse. I can’t imagine such an honourable man mucking about with loose women, or sexually harassing ladies, or fiddling his books. But that’s because I don’t have an imagination. I’m 106 years old, y’know, and still have some of my own teeth, but unfortunately not still in my mouth.”

The leader of the Israeli government, Benjy Yahoo, commented, “Donnie’s got the bomb thing wrong. If you drop them on civilians, they don’t fire back.”