In a surprise turnaround, ex President and bewigged ‘hottie’ Donald Trump has abandoned his campaign to gain the Republican Party nomination to run for US president for a second time. Instead he has opted to replace Boris Nadezhdin on the Russian presidency election ticket. Nadezhdin was recently barred from running by the current Russian president, Vladimir Putin, on the grounds that ‘someone might vote for him’.
“I don’t need you dumb f*ckers anymore,” crowed Trump at a red neck, Nuremberg style rally in Iowa yesterday, “I’m off to be president of the Ruskies.”
Trump went on to boast that he was a de facto Russian by virtue of the amount of cash contributed by that country to his 2016 election campaign.
“Over here I’m constantly battling to clear my name in the courts. It’s a witch hunt. Okay, so I may have tried to overthrow the legitimately elected government, caused an attempted insurrection, bunged a few dollars to the odd porn star illegally, and slandered the odd woman I may or may not have sexually assaulted, but so what? I was the president, for Chrissakes. Doesn’t that give me certain privileges? You’d think! Not here though, in the so-called land of the free. So I’m off. Once I get elected over in Russia I’ll own the frickin’ courts! Vlad is an old pal of mine. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to be my VP once I win the election.”
The news has been well received by the majority of world leaders, a few high profile pop stars and actors, and Elton John. The UK Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, was fast out of the traps to comment. “He’d be an excellent choice as Russian president. Where exactly is Russia? Is it in the Middle East? I’ve just bought Portugal.”
Others commented thus:
“Glad to see the back of the fat bastard,” - Stormy Daniel’s (famous children’s entertainer)
“I’m not interested in this. I’ve enough troubles of my own,” - Gary Glitter (Famous children’s entertainer)
“Glad to see the back of the fat bastard,” - Jens Stoltenberg (Head of NATO).
“Donald who?” - Joe Biden (Current US president and Commander-in-Chief).
A spokesperson for Putin commented, “It’ll be nice to see Donnie-boy over here again. He never paid for the laundering of the sheets after his last visit, and it wasn’t easy getting the stains out.”
However, Trump’s surprising move has thrown the GOP into turmoil.
“It won’t be easy finding a replacement for Trump,” blubbed the head of the electoral committee for the GOP, Mr. Gerry Mander, “He would have beaten Biden hands down, no contest, even if we had to fiddle the results. The only good news is that we have a surprise new candidate throw his hat into the ring. He currently doesn’t have US citizenship but we’re Russian it through… See what I did there?”