Trump Claims Presidential Immunity from Everything Including the Common Cold

Trump Claims Presidential Immunity from Everything Including the Common Cold
Bloomberg via Getty Images

On a snowy afternoon, at a Nuremberg style rally in Colorado, ex-president and fanny magnet Donald Trump made a surprising declaration to an assembled group of his most fanatic red neck supporters. To tumultuous cheering and the strains of ‘I’m Holding Out for a Hero’, the ex Commander-in-Chief ambled confidently onto the stage and took up his place behind the lectern. He occasionally waved and pointed at the crowd pretending he either knew or liked a few of the simple folk that had paid their blue-collar bucks to worship at his feet.

“As the rightful sitting president… Those Demo bastards stole the election from me, y’know. Did I mention that?” whined Trump, “… I can officially declare that I am now immune from everything.”

The press pack, corralled at the back of the hall behind razor wire, collectively yawned. The general consensus amongst the journos was that this latest voice vomit from the man with a mouth like a baboon’s ass was about giving himself a presidential pardon for the few little misdemeanours he’d been accused of since leaving office (insurrection, treason, persecuting electoral officials, fraud, fiddling his books, bunging money to porn stars…I could go on). 

However, their jaws hit the floor when Trump rambled on, “… That includes all known diseases.”

Trump then went on to list a number of diseases he believed he was immune to. These included; Ischemic heart disease, strokes, lower respiratory infections, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, TB, Cirrhosis, Thrush, Bell’s Palsy, the squirts, dandruff, rabies, vaginal warts, colon polyps, and the common cold.

“And that’s just a few of the suckers!” bellowed the golden haired deranged twat. He then invited questions from the press pack. The cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, ‘Thyme’, was first off the mark. 

He asked, “What makes you think you’re immune, Mr Ex? You’ve been known to fib, or be wrong about this and that in the past.” 

The young whippersnapper was then bundled from the hall by a gang of Colorado Hell’s Angels, and subsequently given a quick but violent ‘re-education’ up a back alley outside.

“As America’s rightful president, if I was unlucky enough to pick up a disease, then I could immediately pardon myself from having it. Et voila! I’d be fine. My old pal Giuliani told me it would work, but only if I pay him what I owe him.”

“Mr President!” yelled another hack form the back of the hall, “If it’s true you’re immune, then can I suggest you put it to the test? How about stripping off and going for a roll in the snow outside?”

This the president did, to the shock and horror of his assembled fans. The rumours about the ex-president’s  ‘small hands’ can now be confirmed as true. Having said that, it was a very cold day and the snow was rather deep.

A spokesperson from the real president said, “This is terrific news… about Trumps universal immunity to illness, not about his tiny…whatever. The president has instructed America’s top biological weapons experts to pop round to Mar-a-Largo with a few test tubes. Let’s hope for his sake he’s right.”

Written by David Smith

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