Trump Claims his Mugshot means he Now Identifies More with Criminals

Trump Claims his Mugshot means he Now Identifies More with Criminals
ILLUSTRATION BY SEAN MCCABE; GETTY (X2)

Ex president and orange-faced loud mouth Donald Trump boasted at a recent press call that, because he has recently had his mugshot entered onto police files, he now identifies more with criminals, crooks, embezzlers, traitors, sexual perverts, muggers, the mafia, petty thieves, fraudsters, and kiddie fiddlers.

“Just look at my police mugshot,” crowed the golden haired has-been, “Don’t I look like a real bad-ass?”

Trump’s statement to a hastily assembled pack of news hounds came as a surprise, as it is difficult to see how the ex president could benefit from this, the latest of his unconsidered mouth farts. So, questions were fired at the porcine election loser like machine gun fire. First to call out from the front rank was the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme.

“Do you now identify with criminals because you’re finally admitting that you are one?” called out the lad.

“What do you mean?” replied Trump, with a genuine look of bewilderment on his face.

The young cub reporter bellowed back, “Over the last five month span alone, you’ve been charged in four criminal cases. In Washington, D.C., you face four felony counts for your efforts to overturn the 2020 election. In Georgia, you face thirteen felony counts for election interference in that state. In New York, you face thirty-four felony counts in connection with hush money payments to a porn star, and in Florida, you face no less than forty felony counts for hoarding highly classified documents after you left office, and impeding the government’s efforts to recover them. And don’t get me started on your accountancy fiddles, sexual assault charges, defamation cases, and allegations of rape.”

At this point, four bearded burly men wearing ‘Proud Boys for Trump’ sleeveless Tee shirts bundled the fledgeling reporter from the room.

“Any more questions?” said Trump to the remaining journalists.

Too sloshed to know what was coming, the veteran reporter from the UK tabloid The Daily Shite slurred from the back of the room, “What’s Stormy like in the sack?”

Moments later, the veteran reporter was taken away to join the young lad up a side alley for a short but painful spell of ‘re-education’ administered by the boys in Tee shirts.

Back in the press room, the remaining journalists shook their heads indicating they had nothing further to ask. They were then all taken through to a back room for refreshments and to be given brown envelopes stuffed with cash.

However, inside the back room in a more social setting over drinks, one journalist asked Trump whether the fact that he now had his mugshot on record would mean he identified with other persecuted groups such as black people.

“I might have,” said Trump, “We’re it not for the fact that all those fuckers are guilty!”