The news of ‘Run Ronnie Run Away’ DeSantis throwing in the towel for the Republican nomination to run for the US presidency came as no shock to pundits. However, what has taken the world’s political observers by complete surprise is this. A challenge has been issued by the frontrunner for the nomination, ex president and failed insurrectionist supporter, Donald Trump, to his last remaining rival Nikki Haley to take him on in a no rules cage fight.
“This is an outrageous move by Trump,” moaned Betsy Ankney, Haley’s mouth behind the scenes, “He knows (Haley) has no choice in this matter, and will have to accept, or look weak.”
Other famous big mouths keen to get their name in the press commented thus:
“My money’s on the orange lump of lard. He’ll pulverise her.” – Jorge Mario Bergoglio (The Pope).
“I’m putting my shirt on Haley. She may look like a weak and weedy woman but she’s sinewy. If she can turn Trump, or even better knock him onto his back, he’d be like an flipped tortoise. He won’t be able to get up. Then she could kick the shit out of him.” - Antonio Guterres (Secretary-General of the United Nations).
“My ten cents is on the big guy. I’ve seen him in action many times, although I’ve never seen him in a fight.” - Prince Andrew (A UK Royal and a big pal of the late what’s his name).
“Who’s Donald Trump? Is my cocoa ready?” - Joe Biden.
It’s unusual to have a cross gender catch weight no-rules cage fight contest in politics, and many politicians on the global stage secretly hope this is a one-off publicity stunt by Trump. However, should it not prove to be thus and becomes part of the electoral process in democratic countries, this could prove extremely embarrassing for a number of so-called world leaders. Quick to voice his concerns was the UK Prime Minister (I’m very) Rishi Sunak.
“My kids think I’m a tough guy,” squeaked the diminutive UK PM and Roland Rat lookalike, Sunak, “It’s certainly no holds barred when we rough and tumble on the Persian rug. I’ve bust their lips and given them many a black eye, but taking on a grown up?”
The PM was visibly shaking and having a little cry when he added, “Have you seen the size of Sir Kier Starmer (UK leader of the opposition)? He’s built like a brick slaughterhouse! What’s more he’s a commoner, working class. He’s never even seen a public school. He could strike me very forcibly indeed!”
When asked to comment, Haley seemed undaunted by the prospect.
“I’ll whup his fat ass,” she told a hastily assembled press pack in her personal gymnasium, “He’s got the weight, the reach, the killer paunch, and the dribbling lips, but look at his hands. They’re TINY!! They’re e like little feather dusters stuck on the end of ham hocks.”
Speaking from his luxury prison cell in Mohawk Correctional Facility, disgraced movie producer and pervert Harvey Weinstein said, “I’ve already secured the movie rights. Even if the fight doesn’t go ahead, I’ve got my boys working on a script. It’s the classic hero’s journey, a David versus Goliath monster story. I’ve already contracted Julia Louis Dreyfuss to play Haley, and John Di Domenico for Trump. But here’s the twist. The winner (Trump) takes on Joe Biden and wins!”