Small-Town Police Chief Happy That Someone In Town was Finally Murdered, Even if it was His Wife

Small-Town Police Chief Happy That Someone In Town was Finally Murdered, Even if it was His Wife
Photo by Simon Ray / Unsplash

COLLIERVILLE, TX - Collierville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time.

The murder, described as "at least second-degree" and "definitely not an accident," occurred sometime between the hours of "after 9pm" and "before anyone sensible wakes up," according to the official report. The victim, who coincidentally happens to be Goodman's wife, is already being hailed as "a real community hero" for finally putting Collierville on the crime map.

"I mean, sure, it's a tragedy," Goodman continued, struggling to maintain an appropriately somber expression. "I truly loved my wife. But look at the bright side – we get to do real police work! We might even need to call the FBI for this one! It's like all my cop show marathons are finally paying off!"

When asked about potential leads in the case, Chief Goodman eagerly described a "world of possibilities" now open to the department. "We've got motives, means, red herrings – heck, we might even have a dark and troubled past to uncover! This is the kind of stuff you expect to see in New York or L.A., but here in Collierville? It's a dream come true!"

Locals have had mixed reactions to the Police Chief's unsettling glee. "I reckon he's just happy to use that forensic kit he bought off a TV infomercial," shared Marlene Huett, the town's librarian and unofficial historian. "But I am concerned, seeing as the victim was his wife."

Ethical concerns have been raised, but Goodman remains undeterred, stating, "This is our time to shine! We'll solve this murder, get on the news, and heck, maybe we'll even get a budget increase out of it. It's what my wife would've wanted, maybe."

As of press time, reports indicate that the entire police department, consisting of three police officers and a dog, engaged in a heated debate over who gets to say "we've got a situation" into the radio, a line they agree carries "necessary gravitas" for this unprecedented occasion in Collierville history.

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