NATO Defense Shocker - UK Trident Missiles Made of Cardboard

NATO Defense Shocker - UK Trident Missiles Made of Cardboard
Photo by Dan Meyers / Unsplash

After a failed missile test from a UK nuclear submarine went disastrously wrong, UK Defense Minister, Grant Shapps, admitted to a press gathering the shocking truth about the UK’s nuclear deterrent.

“All our current stock of Trident missiles are, in fact, cardboard replicas,” said the guilt-faced Shapps, “We had to sell the real ones in an auction on the dark web to pay for King Charles’ coronation.”

The truth came to light when Commodore Eustace Cnut, the new commander of the UK submarine, The Pointless, carried out an unscheduled test of the firing mechanism of a nuclear missile. Contrary to strict Royal Navy instructions, the Commodore did not open and read the sealed envelope containing the secret launch procedure. Had he done so, he would have aborted the test. This reporter has seen a copy of the contents of that envelope. It reads as follows: ‘Do NOT press the big red button, you blithering idiot!’.

What happened was that Commodore Cnut followed the usual launch procedures. These should have concluded with the Commodore pressing the big red button on the submarine’s control panel, a move that would have launched a Trident ballistic missile fitted with a dummy warhead for the purposes of the test. Once out of its silo the missile would have climbed to 1,000 feet above the ocean and then have been detonated, the debris falling harmlessly into the ocean. However, what actually happened was this. As soon as the silo door was opened, the in-rushing water made the cardboard replica go limp and soggy, so when it was fired, the lump of wet cardboard blocked the silo door open. The submarine subsequently flooded and sank, costing the lives of the 130 crew on board, and the loss of one of the Royal Navy’s flagship vessels.

The shocking admission to the world’s press that the UK does not, in fact, have a nuclear deterrent raises a number of questions. These were barked at the lizard-faced Shapps by a baying press pack. First to call for answers was the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme, who bellowed, “Who bought the real nukes?”

“How the hell would I know?” admitted Shapps, “But they paid in cash. It was enough to get us a ‘his and hers’ crown set, and cover the cost of a slap up tea for the King and his tart…sorry, consort…sorry, Queen.”

Next came a question from the veteran reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, “How has NATO reacted to this shocker?”

“I don’t know. They’re not speaking to me,” sobbed Shapps.

However, speaking from the Russian embassy in London, the Russian ambassador, Vladiwell Slipitin said, “It’s money well spent. Okay, we’ll never see the slap-up tea again, but we’ll get the crowns back when we use our real nukes to fry one of the UK’s shit hole cities then march in, subject to Donnie boy Trump winning the US presidential election, of course.”

When asked which UK city has been earmarked for nuclear wipe-out, Slipitin smiled enigmatically and said, “Have you ever been to Birmingham?”