Letter to America #1 – Shell Oil buys the UK

Letter to America #1 – Shell Oil buys the UK

In a move today that has stunned the British stock exchange, Shell Oil announce the purchase of the UK from the British Government in a ‘buy and lease back’ deal. This is the first time in history such a deal has been struck. 

At a hastily assembled press briefing, the chief executive of Shell, Wael Sawan crowed to the gathered media hounds, “Didn’t expect this bad boy, did you, you bunch of bozos!”

Sawan added, “We don’t want the whole country, just the coastal areas and waterways. The rest is dross, and the Brits are welcome to lease it back.”

It was pointed out to ‘Sawan the smug’ by the cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, ‘Thyme’, that the rivers and coastal areas are nothing more than cesspools. The reason for this being that since leaving the EU there are no longer any restraints on the privatized water companies in the UK. As such there are no restrictions, laws or penalties for dumping raw sewage into the rivers or seas in and around the UK. As such the privatized water companies, now mostly owned by foreign companies, dump their raw sewage wherever their pipes will reach.

“You’ve hit the nail on the finger, young man,” smirked the self satisfied Sawan, “It’s the shit we want, not the shithole itself.”

Sawan added, “Shell is a spit and a cough away from patenting a production method for converting human sewage into aeroplane fuel. It smells a bit but it’s carbon neutral, so should get the likes of spotty Thunberg off our backs. The UK is swimming in shit, and we want to corner the market in it before BP cotton on.”

Following the press briefing, a spokesman for the UK conservative government, Sir Tarquin Brown-Envelope, released the following press statement:

‘This is a ten year contract with Shell, and represents an exceptionally good deal for the British taxpayer, or mushrooms as we in the government like to refer to them. *  Not only will Shell pay a substantial amount annually to secure our effluent, but also we have the opportunity to lease the country back from them, minus the crap, for a tad less than double what their annual fee to us will be. I’ve never been good with numbers, I took classics at Oxford, but it sounds like a corking good deal to me. That said, I am inbred and therefore insane.’

A spokesman, or woman, or trans, or bi, or non specific front bottom bits curious human for the Green party, Lady Caroline Treehugger commented, “This is an absolutely outrageous state of affairs, selling off British shit to the highest bidder. Our rivers and seas should never have been awash with human faeces in the first place. I blame people. They keep defecating! This has to stop. The world would be a better place without all this arsehole activity. We must act now! Close all the supermarkets and food banks until people learn to control their bowels.”

Written by David Smith

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