An angry president Biden lashed out at an assembled press pack yesterday but only compounded the rumours that his mental agility is in doubt. Advisors to the president argued strongly against him taking on a press pack baying for his blood, after a recent report was released stating that the Commander-in-Chief was ‘a nice old duffer, but should be sent to a home for the permanently bewildered’.
“We begged him not to go out there,” said Biden’s Head of Communications, Justin Sinuate, “He hadn’t had his morning nap and was a little on the grumpy side.”
Mr Sinuate went on to add, “The report, which should have absolved the president of any wrongdoing doing over the storage of the nuclear codes under a plant pot outside his front door, was bound to be bad news. The title of it alone set alarm bells ringing here. Who the hell calls a report about the mishandling of secret information ‘Why the poor old codger screwed up’?”
Nevertheless, president Biden strode confidently out to the lectern to face a rabid press pack. However, half way out, the president did a U-turn and headed back towards the edge of the stage, saying, “I forgot my glasses.”
When the sharp-eyed cub reporter from the UK gardening magazine, Thyme, pointed out to the president that he didn’t wear glasses, Biden flew into a rage shouting at the lad, “Who the hell are you to tell me that! I’m not stupid. I know where the keys to the bat cave are kept. Screw you, sonny-Jim. Screw the lot of you! I’m off to my fortress of solitude to tell Harry Potter something very, very secret.”
Biden then turned again and headed for the lectern as if nothing had happened. Twenty minutes later, when he reached the lectern, he eyeballed the press pack with his steely glare and barked, “Where are my glasses?”
Biden then went on to confuse the UK prime minister with the famous glove puppet lookalike, Roland Rat, but everybody does that so strictly speaking it wasn’t a gaffe. Then, immediately after, Biden confused the Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, with Mary Poppins. He then went on to mistake Israel’s war against Hamas with an episode of Sesame Street, stating that the Israeli leader ‘Big Bird’ was a ‘trigger happy lanky twat’.
Ex president and well known insurrectionist and porn star subsidiser, Donald Trump, was swift to weaponise Biden’s gaffes. Speaking to a crowd of blue collar trailer trash gun obsessed lunatics at a rally in Iowa, Trump pointed at a few people he pretended to know and said, “You’re stupid, you’re all real stupid, you know it and I know it, but thank the good Lord above you’re not as stupid as sleepy Joe Biden. I may be a treasonous sex pest but at least I can string a… y'know, long wordy thing together… a beautiful, lovely thing, nice, full of words… and not from Chi-nah!”