Oct 9, 2023

Tom Cruise Leaves Scientology, Realizes It’s Not a New Movie Role

LOS ANGELES - A-list actor Tom Cruise announced he’s parting ways with the Church of Scientology after realizing he hasn't been on a prolonged movie set for the past three decades.

Sources close to Cruise state that for years, the actor believed his involvement with the Church was merely a method-acting immersion for an upcoming role in an "epic space opera-slash-action-slash-drama." "I mean, every day felt like a dramatic scene," said Cruise. "Intense dialogues, special terms, cool uniforms. I kept waiting for Spielberg or Tarantino to yell 'cut,' but it never happened."

His epiphany reportedly came when he was discussing his "latest role" with fellow actor Daniel Day-Lewis. "I told Daniel about the elaborate set, the auditions—err, I mean audits—and the great backstory about aliens and volcanoes," Cruise said. "And he was like, 'Man, even I wouldn’t go that deep for a role.'"

Cruise was further confounded when he couldn’t find his so-called "Scientology movie" on his IMDb page. "I even checked Rotten Tomatoes to see if there were any early reviews. Nothing. That's when it hit me."

The actor’s departure has led to an outpouring of support from his peers. John Travolta, in a show of solidarity, gifted Cruise a map of the world with the note, "Just to ensure you remember what's a film set and what's real life."

The Church of Scientology released a brief statement, reading, "We always knew Tom was dedicated, but mistaking a global religion for a movie role? Now that’s commitment."

While Cruise navigates his post-Scientology life, rumors abound regarding his next steps. Insiders suggest he might be considering joining the cast of "Game of Thrones," though he seems to be under the impression it's a travel show about medieval European tourism.

For now, Cruise is reportedly just happy to “take a break from filming.” As he told reporters while sunning on a yacht, "Honestly, I’m just relieved I won't have to attend any more script readings—uh, I mean church services—for a while."

At press time, sources spotted Cruise practicing his dance moves, possibly in preparation for a role in the sequel to “Footloose,” or as he put it, "Just another weekend family BBQ."