Oct 21, 2023

Time-Travel to Biblical Times? Only for the Elite Donor Class," Announces Local Politician

Local politician Bob Spendwell rocked the community during his latest campaign rally by announcing that contributors to his "Spendwell 2023" reelection campaign wouldn't just be supporting his political agenda but could potentially win a trip back in time to meet none other than Jesus Christ himself. The catch? This "divine" opportunity is exclusively available to donors who contribute at least $50,000.

"For too long, time travel has been depicted as a 'fictional' concept," Spendwell proclaimed from atop a suspiciously wobbly soapbox. "But today, we're making history by offering you a chance to make history… by literally traveling back in history. And all it takes is a small, sizable, tax-deductible donation!"

The "Eternal Salvation" rewards tier, as it's listed on Spendwell's fundraising pamphlet, guarantees a meet-and-greet with Jesus, provided you make the hefty donation and agree to wear a campaign button throughout the entire biblical journey. The tier is described in the fine print as "a potentially spiritual encounter," but "mostly a fantastic photo op."

Critics argue that the program seems suspiciously under-researched and potentially impossible. When confronted with these logical fallacies, Spendwell assured naysayers that the technology is as real as the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot, both of whom he also promises to introduce to high-level donors.

"Think of the children!" Spendwell implored when pressed about the ethical implications. "Without these donations, how are we supposed to fund the construction of our new mega skate park, which we'll build right after figuring out this minor time travel conundrum?"

Spendwell's campaign has been fraught with peculiar promises, from his vow to end world hunger by proposing a diet entirely based on multi-vitamins, to his plan to reduce traffic by encouraging everyone to "just work from home." Still, this latest announcement has left the community agog with its audacity.

"I'm not saying it's a guaranteed trip to see Jesus," clarified Spendwell at the close of his rally, "but I'm not-not saying it, you know? Also, we're currently accepting additional donations to cover the costs of togas, ancient language courses, and, um, liability insurance. Time travel's tricky, folks!"

As constituents line up to "buy" their chance for a celestial meet-cute, one can't help but wonder if they believe this will secure a spot in both history and the afterlife, or if they're just banking on that Instagram post going viral. Either way, Spendwell's campaign donations have never looked healthier.