Oct 3, 2023

The Great Evangelical Dilemma: Faith, Folly, and the Fear of Needles

As it turns out, the secret to understanding the modern evangelical belief system lies not in the pages of the Holy Bible, but rather in their deeply ingrained prejudice against things smaller than a breadbox, such as viruses and needles.

The trend is odd, given that the same demographic often expresses deep admiration for David's small stone that took down Goliath. There are apprehensions when it comes to tiny needles confronting a global pandemic.

The pastor of the Church of the Heavenly Hesitation commented, "Jesus walked on water, but he never had a flu shot!" Indeed, miracles, resurrections, and divine intervention seem easier to comprehend than vaccination science.

Researchers tried to make the vaccine more appealing to this group. Initial ideas included:

  1. Biblical branding: Instead of Pfizer or Moderna, the vaccine could be named "Moses' Serum of Salvation" or "Elijah's Elixir of Immunity".
  2. Incorporate the ark: Perhaps if they believed two of every virus went into the making of the vaccine, it'd be more compelling.
  3. Include complimentary fish and loaves: A little incentive for the after-vaccination wait.

It's paradoxical that people who can believe a man lived inside a whale can't trust modern medicine. Because Jesus healed the blind without glasses, do they also avoid glasses?

To many outsiders, this level of skepticism is puzzling. After all, didn’t Jesus heal the sick? Why then, in a world fraught with diseases, would the faithful turn away from a God-given miracle in the form of a vaccine?

Fear not, though! There's hope on the horizon. According to rumors, a Silicon Valley startup is working on a "Pray & Spray" vaccine mist that pastors sprinkle on vaccine vials.

Perhaps it's not about the vaccine or the virus in the end. Possibly it's about feeling special, chosen, or just different. But if history has taught us anything, it's that plagues don't discriminate – an

Note: Satire is a form of literature that uses humor and exaggeration to criticize or ridicule its subject. This piece is intended for entertainment and does not represent the views or opinions of all evangelicals or any other group.