Oct 25, 2023

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson Embraces Bipartisanship by Joining Every Party in a Single Day

Newly elected Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, decided to literally embody the spirit of bipartisanship. Just hours after being voted in as Speaker on a Republican ticket, Johnson astonished the nation by crossing the aisle to join the Democratic Party. Yet, his thirst for political unity wasn't quenched. Before lunch, Johnson had also joined the Libertarian, Green, and Constitution Parties, in a spree of aisle-crossing that left onlookers dizzy and floor tiles well-trodden.

Johnson’s party-hopping marathon began moments after he was handed the gavel, a symbol of his newfound power. However, it soon became clear that the Speaker saw it more as a relay baton, as he sprinted across the aisle to the Democrats, declaring, "I feel the blue wave washing over me!”

But Johnson’s political promiscuity didn’t stop there. By noon, he had also embraced Libertarianism, declaring his love for small government and big dreams. Minutes later, he was seen donning a Green Party pin, pledging allegiance to Mother Earth and compostable campaign materials. Not to be outdone by himself, Johnson then sprinted to the Constitution Party’s side, vowing to uphold the sanctity of America’s founding document, presumably the part that allows for party-swapping.

The political kaleidoscope spun so fast, that C-SPAN cameras struggled to keep up, overheating from the rapid panning back and forth. Meanwhile, congresspersons from both sides of the aisle were treated to a dizzying display of political costume changes. Johnson switched ties, lapel pins, and hats to match the colors of each party he momentarily embraced.

In a rare display of unity, members from all parties came together to express their collective confusion and mild motion sickness. The American public, too, took to social media to share in the collective head-scratching under the trending hashtag #PartyHopperJohnson.

In a press conference amidst the chaos, Johnson, now adorned with a patchwork coat of many colors representing his broad spectrum of political affiliations, declared, "I am the living embodiment of the melting pot that is America. Today, I didn’t just cross the aisle; I danced down every aisle, embracing the beautiful medley of ideologies that make this nation great!"

As pundits scramble to make heads or tails of Johnson's party-hopping escapade, the Speaker's aides are reportedly consulting the Guinness World Records to see if their boss set a record for the most political party memberships in a single day. Meanwhile, the rest of the nation is left wondering if Johnson’s next move will be to form his party or join them all over again in a never-ending loop of political musical chairs.