The quiet town of Pleasantville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time.
The quiet town of Pleasantville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time.
Police Chief Barry Goodman, a man who until recently considered a stolen bicycle a "high-stakes case," expressed his unsettling excitement about the incident. "You've got to understand, the most action we ever see around here is when Old Man Jenkins forgets to put his turn signal on," explained Goodman, gesturing enthusiastically to a virtually blank "Known Crimes" whiteboard, its sole entry from 2017 about an unsolved case of someone pilfering extra napkins from the local diner.
The murder, described as "at least second-degree" and "definitely not an accident," occurred sometime between the hours of "after Jeopardy" and "before anyone sensible wakes up," according to the official report. The victim, whose identity remains undisclosed, is already being hailed as "a real community hero" for finally putting Pleasantville on the crime map.
"I mean, sure, it's a tragedy," Goodman continued, struggling to maintain an appropriately somber expression. "But look at the bright side – we get to do real police work! We might even need to call the FBI for this one! It's like all my cop show marathons are finally paying off!"
When asked about potential leads in the case, Chief Goodman eagerly described a "world of possibilities" now open to the department. "We've got motives, means, red herrings – heck, we might even have a dark and troubled past to uncover! This is the kind of stuff you expect to see in New York or L.A., but here in Pleasantville? It's a dream come true!"
Locals have had mixed reactions to the Police Chief's unsettling glee. "I reckon he's just happy to use that forensic kit he bought off a TV infomercial," shared Marlene Huett, the town's librarian and unofficial historian. "Before this, the most 'CSI' he got was figuring out who's been dog-earing the romance novels."
Ethical concerns have been raised, but Goodman remains undeterred, stating, "This is our time to shine! We'll solve this murder, get on the news, and heck, maybe we'll even get a budget increase out of it. It's what the victim would've probably wanted, maybe!"
As of press time, reports indicate that the entire police department is engaged in a heated debate over who gets to say "We've got a situation" into the radio, a line they agree carries "necessary gravitas" for this unprecedented occasion in Pleasantville's history.
