Oct 13, 2023

Rude Customer Declared National Landmark After Years of Unmoving Presence in Local Store

GLENDALE — In a historic decision, the United States Department of the Interior has officially designated local grocery shopper and perpetual complainer, Doris Grumbleton, 56, a national historic landmark, citing her "unwavering commitment to standing in the same spot belittling cashiers since 1998."

Grumbleton, who has lodged herself firmly in aisle 4, became a legend for her steadfast ability to unleash a tirade over anything from the ripeness of avocados to the air pressure inside snack bags, earning her a permanent spot in the National Register of Historic Places.

"Ms. Grumbleton's relentless critique of our two-for-one deals is both a cultural touchstone and a remarkable example of oral tradition," said Secretary of the Interior, noting that her weekly berating of staff over the store's "absurd" decision to rearrange aisles has become a must-see for tourists.

Visitors from across the country have flocked to witness Grumbleton in her natural habitat, engaging in what has been described as "performance art mixed with a masterclass in haggling." Many have been moved to tears by her passionate insistence that the customer is always right, even when returning a half-eaten loaf of bread from another store.

"She's like a beautiful statue, but loud and angry," commented a misty-eyed spectator holding a commemorative t-shirt featuring Grumbleton's most famous quote, "I will NOT be ignored!"

In honor of her landmark status, the grocery store has plans to install a plaque in aisle 4 that details her most notable accomplishments, including the Great Coupon Tantrum of 2007 and the Infamous Price Check Showdown.

Despite the honor, Grumbleton remains unfazed. "National landmark? So what? Are they going to give me a discount or just stand there? And what's this nonsense about 'store policy'? I'll show them store policy!"

As of press time, officials were considering making the anniversary of Grumbleton's first ever store complaint a national holiday, tentatively titled "Speak to the Manager Day."