Oct 13, 2023

New Study Finds That Most online job postings require 80 years of experience and heart surgery ability for entry-level jobs

A recent study conducted by the University of Absolutely Real Statistics uncovered an unprecedented revelation that is sending shockwaves through the unemployed community and beyond. The employer is calling it "standard entry-level prerequisites" that all online job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and perform open-heart surgery.

As part of the study, over four million job postings were meticulously analyzed from a variety of industries and it was discovered that in addition to requiring candidates to have worked in the field since the 1940s, many companies also prefer candidates who know every computer language ever invented, can solve at least three global crises independently, and are capable of baking a soufflé under extreme circumstances.

While preparing my resume for the 'recent graduate' position, Becky Smith, a recent college graduate with 22 years of life experience, learned that it required a minimum of 60 years of experience, a Nobel Peace Prize, and the ability to speak fluent Dolphin. In my opinion, babysitting my younger brother for eight years is comparable to crisis management."

These qualifications, according to employers, ensure that only the "most talented and brightest" are selected for roles that require pivotal tasks such as making photocopies, fetching coffee, and enduring soul-crushing monologues about upper management's golf games.

It's not unreasonable at all, asserted CEO John Silver of ObscureTech, Inc. "How can we trust someone to handle our social media accounts if they haven't mediated peace in a war-torn country?"

Additionally, the report revealed that the experience paradox goes beyond that. Applicants for entry-level positions must also possess a Ph.D., an Olympic gold medal, the charisma of a late-night talk show host, and the ability to time travel, preferably into the past so that they can accumulate the necessary work experience before their birth. As an additional requirement, applicants must possess the ability to telepathically communicate, must possess a letter of recommendation from a mythical creature (unicorns are preferred), and must have wrestled at least one Category 5 tornado.

As a result of this study, job seekers have formed support groups. Members of these groups discuss time dilation, alchemy, and how to convince Merlin to be a reference. Nonetheless, they remain hopeful that the right entry-level position is out preferably one that recognizes their invaluable experience gained from group projects to which they contributed 95%.