Oct 22, 2023

New 'DIY Scientology Kit' Enables Spiritual Enlightenment from the Discomfort of Your Own Home

In a revolutionary move that's shaking both the spiritual and retail sectors, the Church of Scientology announced Thursday the release of its "DIY Scientology Kit," allowing seekers of cosmic truth the chance to achieve full spiritual enlightenment without ever leaving their studio apartments.

"This is a game-changer," exclaimed Tom Blinken, a self-proclaimed spiritual guru with a YouTube following of 67. "Now, instead of heading to the nearest Scientology center, I can just pop this baby open and start auditing myself between my unboxing videos!"

The kit, retailing at a modest $999.99, includes a paperback Dianetics, a miniature E-meter that doubles as a fridge magnet, and a 6-hour DVD of L. Ron Hubbard's greatest hits. But that's not all. For another $499.99, customers can upgrade to the premium package, which boasts an official Thetan ID card and a literal piece of the Scientology cross.

"We recognize the modern consumer's desire for convenience," stated a Scientology spokesperson while hurriedly restocking kits on a shelf. "Why go out to find spiritual fulfillment when it can be delivered via drone in 5-7 business days? Though, of course, achieving the state of Clear will still require your life's savings and total devotion to the Church."

However, not everyone shares the enthusiasm. "I don't know," pondered Alice Trilby, a freelance astrologer, "I prefer my spiritual exploitation to be in person. It just feels more authentic, you know?"

Despite mixed reviews, the DIY kits have soared in sales, especially in areas where the nearest Scientology center is just far enough to be inconvenient.

As for Blinken, he's thrilled with his purchase. "This is the best $1,499.98 I've ever spent! I'm already feeling the spiritual shackles loosen. Or maybe that's just my credit score dropping. Hard to tell!"

At press time, sources confirmed that a deluxe kit is in the works, including a VR headset for virtual audits and a stress test that doubles as a video game controller.