Oct 30, 2023

Mike Pence Drops Out of 2024 Race, Citing Need to Spend More Time Ignoring Reality

In a press conference held in Las Vegas, former Vice President Mike Pence announced his withdrawal from the 2024 presidential race. The shocking retreat has left many political analysts scrambling, and Pence’s supporters in a state of confusion, with the only clarity being that reality seemed to be the biggest hurdle on Pence’s path to the presidency.

“After much reflection, I have decided that I am needed more in realms that do not adhere to the conventional laws of logic,” said Pence while standing beside a stack of unread climate change reports. “I believe my talents are better utilized in a realm where facts are as flexible as my stance on electoral certification.”

The former Vice President elaborated on his newfound calling to explore alternative universes where his ideas are embraced with less scrutiny and more fairy dust. The Pence family is rumored to be relocating to a whimsical cabin in the woods where they’ll live among woodland creatures and debate policy with talking trees and a caucus of enchanted stones.

Pence’s team has already begun the process of detaching from reality, a transition that political insiders say has been seamless given their previous experience in the Trump administration. Pence himself has taken up a new hobby of whispering sweet nothings to a portrait of former President Trump, reminiscing about the simpler times when ignoring the tangible world was just part of the job description.

The GOP is left in a state of bewilderment as they try to find another candidate who can match Pence’s unyielding ability to sidestep reality while keeping a straight face. As the political world reels from this revelation, Pence is said to be already enjoying his departure from the gritty claws of reality, last seen skipping into the sunset holding hands with a unicorn, ready to embrace a world where his ideas are not just valid, but the law of the land.

Political analysts are left to ponder the ramifications of Pence’s departure, but most agree on one thing: the race for 2024 just got a little more grounded in reality, but a lot less magical.