Oct 25, 2023

Man’s Obsession with Gnomes Spirals Out of Control: Neighbors Plead for an Intervention

In the quaint, suburban hamlet of Garden Grove, resident Gary Gnomeson has cultivated a rather unusual hobby that has neighbors raising their eyebrows, shielding their children’s eyes, and contemplating a mass exodus from the once peaceful community. Gnomeson, a 47-year-old taxidermist with a penchant for the peculiar, has transformed his humble abode into what can only be described as a gnome-infested wonderland, or as his neighbors call it, "The Twilight Gnome."

Upon entering Gnomeson's domain, one is greeted by an army of over 3,000 ceramic, plastic, and suspiciously lifelike gnomes. They line the walkway, dangle from trees, and peek out from behind bushes, their beady eyes and unnaturally rosy cheeks haunting the dreams of many a passerby. The living room, once a space for relaxation and family gatherings, now serves as the grand gnome sanctuary, with shelves upon shelves of gnomes in various states of repose and revelry.

Gnomeson, sporting a beard that rivals that of his gnome brethren, is unapologetic about his obsession. "Gnomes are misunderstood creatures," he proclaims, cradling a gnome dressed as a tiny taxidermist in his arms. "They’re not just for gardens anymore. They’re art. They’re companions. They’re a way of life."

Neighbors, however, are not convinced. "It’s an eyesore," grumbles Marjorie Thompson, who lives next door and once had a gnome hurled through her window (an incident Gnomeson insists was a freak windstorm and not an act of gnome rebellion). "And the gnome chatter. The constant, incessant gnome chatter. It’s like they’re having tiny, ceramic parties all night long."

Gnomeson's gnome fixation has not gone unnoticed by the town council, which has received numerous complaints and is currently exploring legal avenues to address the gnome epidemic. "We have ordinances against unruly lawns and abandoned vehicles," says council member Harold Jenkins, "but nothing in the books about excessive gnome hoarding. It’s uncharted territory."

In the meantime, the gnome population continues to grow, with Gnomeson recently adding a gnome gymnasium and a gnome-sized swimming pool to his backyard. "They need to stay fit and have fun, just like us," he explains, as a gnome in a tiny swimsuit does a belly flop off the diving board.

As the Great Gnome Debate rages on, Garden Grove remains divided, with "Team Gnome" and "Team No Gnome" yard signs popping up on lawns throughout the town. But whether you’re pro-gnome or anti-gnome, one thing is certain: Gary Gnomeson and his gnome army are here to stay, and they’re not going down without a fight.

Or, as Gnomeson puts it, "You can take my life, but you’ll never take my gnomes."