Nov 9, 2023

Man Buys Neurosurgery Degree Online, Lands Dream Job

36-year-old Kevin Plonk has defied all odds, logic, and the Hippocratic Oath by purchasing an online doctorate degree in neurosurgery and landing a job at the prestigious St. Cerebrum’s Hospital.

Kevin, who previously specialized in assembling IKEA furniture without the instruction manuals, took a bold leap from Allen wrenches to brain retractors with the ease of a man who clearly doesn't know what a brain retractor is. "I thought, 'Hey, I'm good at following diagrams and I've played Operation. How hard can real surgery be?'" said Dr. Plonk, scrolling through 'Neurosurgery For Dummies' on his smartphone.

The newly-minted "Dr." Plonk’s educational journey began with a late-night infomercial for the University of Internet Professions, where degrees are as easy to obtain as they are to question. With just a few clicks and a minimal Bitcoin transaction, Plonk became Dr. Plonk, PhD, MD, OMG, LOL.

When asked about the vetting process, the hospital’s HR representative shrugged, "His degree had a watermark and his resume said 'expert in cutting-edge technology,' which we assumed meant lasers, not his proficiency in Microsoft Office."

On his first day, Dr. Plonk was found by nurses trying to resuscitate the EEG machine, which he mistook for a flatlining patient. He confidently explained, "It's all about remaining calm in the face of adversity. And besides, I've got a YouTube tutorial on standby for just such an emergency."

Patients have been surprisingly supportive of Dr. Plonk, with one stating, "He's very hands-on. He practiced his stitches on a banana in front of me. Really put my mind at ease. Plus, he's promised me a discount if I let him livestream the surgery."

Despite mounting concerns from the medical community, the hospital administration stands by their decision, citing Dr. Plonk's "innovative approach" and "unconventional methods," which include motivational speeches to comatose patients and using WebMD as a diagnostic tool.

In light of this news, online universities have seen a spike in enrollments from hopeful surgeons, anesthesiologists, and one individual aiming to be the first online-certified medical shaman. As for Dr. Plonk, he remains unfazed by his critics. "Look, it's all about mind over matter. If I don’t know what I'm doing, does it really matter? The brain is pretty much autopilot anyway, right?"

St. Cerebrum's has yet to comment on the success rate of Dr. Plonk's surgeries, citing the "unpredictability of the healing process" and the "exciting mystery of the unknown." As for the future, Dr. Plonk has plans to expand his expertise, eyeing a Groupon offer for a crash course in rocket science. "How hard can that be?" Dr. Plonk muses. "It's not exactly brain surgery."