Oct 28, 2023

Man Bets House, Wife, and Dignity on Maryland Football; Leaves Vegas with Just His Misguided Loyalty

In what can only be described as a master class in poor life choices, Carl Thompson, a 40-year-old self-proclaimed “college football expert,” managed to lose his entire life savings and inadvertently bet his wife on a single game of college football this weekend, as Maryland faced off against Northwestern.

Just hours ago, Thompson strutted into the casino with the confidence of a man who had mistakenly interpreted Maryland’s mascot, Testudo the Terrapin, as some divine omen for success. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an anonymous casino employee. “He was so sure Maryland would win, he bet everything he had. Even his wife seemed to think it was a good idea. I mean, they were holding hands and smiling as they placed the bet. It was like a scene out of a rom-com gone wrong.”

As the game played out and Northwestern swiftly took the lead, Thompson’s previously unshakable confidence began to crumble. When the final whistle blew and Northwestern celebrated their 33-27 victory, Thompson’s life savings—and his wife—were gone.

“He just stood there, staring at the screen in disbelief,” said Thompson’s now ex-wife, Jessica, who seemed remarkably calm considering she had just been lost in a bet. “I always told him his obsession with Maryland football would cost him, but I never thought it would cost him… me.”

In the blink of an eye, Jessica was whisked away by her new owner, an 85-year-old Las Vegas mogul named Benny, who appeared just as surprised as she was about the sudden turn of events.

Friends and family are, of course, concerned, but not surprised. “Carl has always had a flair for the dramatic,” said Thompson’s sister, Emily. “But betting your wife on a college football game? Even for him, that’s a bit much.”

So, as Thompson learns to navigate life without his life savings, wife, or a shred of dignity, let his story serve as a cautionary tale for sports fans everywhere: Sometimes loyalty to your team can go too far. And no matter how much you love your team, it’s probably not worth betting your spouse on them. Unless, of course, you’re a Maryland fan. In that case, all bets are off.