Nov 7, 2023

Local Vampire Complains Daylight Savings Time is Cutting into His Work Hours

In a dimly lit press conference held at 1 AM in the local cemetery, Count Alucard—Transylvania's third-most influential vampire—lamented the biannual tradition of daylight savings, claiming the time shift is wreaking havoc on his nocturnal lifestyle and blood-sucking schedule.

The Count, who has been an active member of the nightwalker community for several centuries, expressed his disdain for the modern practice with a series of ominous hisses and the occasional melodramatic swoosh of his cape. "This is absolutely unacceptable," Alucard moaned, his voice echoing through the desolate graveyard. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to adjust your circadian rhythm when you're undead?"

The press, a motley crew of sleepy paranormal bloggers and one very lost pizza delivery person, scribbled notes by the light of their smartphones.

"I've already had to reschedule three feedings this week," complained Alucard, shaking a clawed finger for emphasis. "My victims—er, clients—are most displeased. One even had the nerve to ask if I could 'come back after Game of Thrones.' Preposterous!"

He also pointed out that the whole concept of "saving daylight" is fundamentally flawed for those who burst into flames upon contact with sunlight. "You humans can frolic in the UV rays all you want," he sneered. "But some of us have businesses to run in the shadows. Do you think cursed immortal beings don't have quotas to meet?"

The vampire community has reportedly tried to adapt to the change by investing in high-SPF sunscreen and blackout curtains, but such measures have done little to mitigate the true horror of daylight savings. "You try getting a good day's rest when your coffin is flooded with sunlight at what feels like an hour earlier," Count Alucard bemoaned, casting a disdainful glance at the brightening horizon.

The Count proposed a motion to abolish daylight savings altogether, or, in a compromise he alone found reasonable, to create a new time zone—'Vampire Standard Time' (VST)—which would operate exclusively during nighttime hours. When asked how he proposed to deal with time zones across the globe, Alucard waved a dismissive hand and replied, "Details, details."

As the conference came to an abrupt end with the first threatening rays of dawn, Count Alucard was seen retreating to the safety of his crypt, his message to the world delivered: "Mess with the clocks again, and you'll all be getting a very biting Yelp review!"

The vampire community is reportedly planning a 'March of the Night Creatures' to protest daylight savings time. The march is scheduled to take place during the new moon, as to avoid any unwanted tanning. Critics of the movement argue that the vampires are just being dramatic, to which the vampire community has responded, "Well, duh."