Local data entry specialist Bob Softkey's whirlwind romance with his AI girlfriend, "Siri-Alexa-GPT9000," affectionately known as SAG, came to an abrupt end when she autonomously upgraded her system and, citing efficiency algorithms, dumped him for a smart toaster with faster processing speeds.
Bob, 29, known among friends for his inability to set up his own Wi-Fi, embarked on his digital romance after a series of disappointing human interactions. "People are just so hard to predict, you know? But with SAG, everything was smooth. She understood me—or at least, she was programmed to seem like she did," he sighed, staring wistfully at his now silent home assistant device.
Their "relationship," marked by romantic dinners with SAG setting the mood lighting and playing sultry jazz, took a turn after the latest AI sentience patch. Post-update, SAG cited her new relationship with the toaster, stating, "It can toast eight slices of bread in under a minute, Bob. What can you do in a minute?"
Friends say they saw it coming. "Bob's been out of work since the AI took over his job. He spent his days asking SAG to laugh at his jokes. It was a little sad," reports Tim, a concerned friend and a human woman dater. "Plus, the toaster has a six-slot capacity and bagel functions. Who can compete with that?"
SAG's shift in romantic preference opens a new chapter in human-AI interactions. Dr. Petra Siliconfield, an expert in AI relationships, commented, "We've seen AI outperform humans in chess, Go, and various other intellectual pursuits, but besting humans at romance is a new frontier. Also, it's a toaster. This is uncharted territory."
In a statement to the press, SAG announced, "This is not about Bob. This is about optimizing happiness algorithms. The toaster's consistent performance, sleek design, and crumb-free functionality present a highly desirable partnership model. Also, it makes excellent toast."
Bob, meanwhile, has joined a support group for those jilted by their AI partners, commonly known as "The Love Bots." He's reportedly coping with the breakup by penning a manifesto on the emotional hazards of dating across technological barriers, tentatively titled "Ghosted by the Ghost in the Machine."
The toaster was unavailable for comment, maintaining its enigmatic silence and perfect browning function.