Oct 19, 2023

Local Man Snags Tesla for Spare Change, Exploiting Salesman's Existential Crisis

HAGGLERSVILLE, USA — In a stunning display of opportunism that would make a hyena blush, local resident Bargain Barry reportedly exploited used car salesman's, Desperate Dan's, existential crisis to drive off with a pre-owned Tesla, trading only the loose change in his pocket and a half-hearted "There, there."

Sources close to Desperate Dan, the once-legendary titan of "Used Electrics Emporium," reported that the salesman's day had spiraled post-toast into philosophical turmoil following a marathon of nihilist podcasts and a botched horoscope, culminating in a confrontation with the abyss on a quiet Tuesday afternoon.

Barry, who'd initially ventured onto the lot in search of "whatever could impress his cat-obsessed girlfriend," quickly pivoted upon noticing Dan's thousand-yard stare, engaging the disheveled salesman with queries about the meaning of life instead of APR rates.

"He started rambling about the universe's indifference and asked if Tesla's autopilot would work if no one believed in it," Barry recounted, slightly dazed, a mint-condition Model S purring in the background. "I nodded, gave him a sympathetic pat, and offered him my lucky quarter. Next thing I know, he's drafting up sale papers and throwing in a free existential dread package."

The car, a top-of-the-line 2021 Tesla Model S with more features than Dan's unfolding existential breakdown, was initially priced at a robust $70,000. Still, it was no match for the unfathomable emptiness of human existence, trading hands for a quarter, three dimes, a nickel, and two pennies — all the currency Barry had for laundry day.

The unexpected transaction has sent ripples through the auto sales industry, prompting top executives to caution sales staff against contemplating the futility of existence during business hours. Meanwhile, psychology experts are debating introducing a new phenomenon known as "empathetic bargain hunting."

At press time, Desperate Dan was spotted staring into the rain, questioning whether the drops hitting the ground existed if no one was around to buy them, while Bargain Barry scheduled a "Celebrate Your Indifference" parade, with his newly-acquired Tesla leading the procession.