In what he's calling "the biggest scandal since Y2K," Jeff Hapsburg, a 34-year-old self-proclaimed social media influencer from Dullsville, Ohio, was rocked by the revelation that the Earth—and, by extension, the rest of the known universe—does not, in fact, revolve around him. The discovery has sparked a frenzy, with Hapsburg demanding a recount and an immediate audit of the laws of physics.
The shocking development came to light last Thursday evening during a routine argument with his girlfriend, who offhandedly mentioned that not everything is about Jeff. Unwilling to let such a claim go unchecked, Hapsburg did what any reasonable adult in the throes of an identity crisis would do: he launched an online petition demanding a recount of the Earth's orbital mechanics.
"I've been saying, 'Good morning, world!' every day on my live stream, and now you're telling me the world isn't even paying attention?" an indignant Hapsburg stated to a group of bewildered local reporters he had gathered by promising free pizza. "Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that the 'like' button doesn't actually mean anything."
Scientists have been put in the unenviable position of trying to explain basic astronomy to Hapsburg, who has threatened to take his case to the Supreme Court, the International Court of Justice, and, if necessary, the Galactic Senate.
"Look, we understand that it can be difficult to come to terms with one's own insignificance in the grand scheme of things," stated Dr. Linda Franklin, a NASA spokesperson, trying to suppress a sigh. "But I can assure Mr. Hapsburg that no amount of recounts will change the fact that the sun does not rise and set on his command."
The crisis has only deepened with Hapsburg's latest tweet, which reads, "If the world doesn't revolve around me, explain why all the GPS satellites are always following me? #RecountTheOrbits." The tweet has since gone viral, with supporters worldwide sharing their own tales of existential disappointment.
Meanwhile, leading flat-earthers have distanced themselves from Hapsburg, stating, "We may believe some wild stuff, but even we know the world doesn't revolve around some Jeff."
At the time of reporting, Hapsburg was last seen on the town square, attempting to use a megaphone to convince the birds and local squirrels to acknowledge his centrality to... well, everything. As he was led away by concerned family members, Hapsburg was heard muttering, "This isn't over. I haven't even started on gravity yet."
The scientific community has collectively rolled their eyes and issued a final statement: "We wish Mr. Hapsburg the best in his future endeavors, which we hope do not include any more forays into astrophysics."
When reached for further comment, Hapsburg's girlfriend simply stated, "I told him to take out the trash; somehow, we ended up here."