29-year-old Jason Krupt declared an eternal vendetta this Sunday against his longtime friend, Mark Spoilberg, for inadvertently revealing the twist in the latest blockbuster, "Twistocalypse: The Unexpected Turn."
29-year-old Jason Krupt declared an eternal vendetta this Sunday against his longtime friend, Mark Spoilberg, for inadvertently revealing the twist in the latest blockbuster, "Twistocalypse: The Unexpected Turn."
"I was looking forward to that twist, nurturing my anticipation for months, avoiding trailers like they were the plague, and this… this MONSTER just blurted it out over pizza!" an irate Krupt told reporters outside his heavily fortified apartment, now plastered with anti-spoiler posters and memes. "He robbed me of my gasp, my utter shock, my cinematic innocence! This isn't just a spoiler; it's emotional grand larceny!"
Spoilberg, meanwhile, insists it was an honest mistake. "I thought he'd seen it!" he defended himself during a call, the sounds of a burning friendship bracelet audible in the background. "How was I supposed to know he's been living under a rock wearing noise-canceling headphones?!"
Krupt, however, is unrelenting. His plotted revenge, insiders reveal, is not only meticulously crafted but also oddly in tune with the franchise's spirit. Codenamed "Operation Spoilnado," the plan allegedly includes spoiling every movie, TV show, and book Spoilberg cares about for the next decade.
"I've infiltrated his Netflix account," Krupt confessed, a glint of madness in his eyes. "I know he's two seasons behind on 'Throne Games: Revival.' He won't see it coming, just like I didn't!"
Experts say this might be the most extreme reaction to a spoiler since 2018, when a woman in Brisbane hired a skywriter to spoil "Star Battles: Return of the Ewoks" for her ex-boyfriend.
Dr. Paige Turner, a therapist specializing in entertainment-related trauma, commented, "It's a coping mechanism, projecting one's emotional distress caused by narrative disruption onto the person who caused it. Or, in layman's terms, 'You ruin my plot twist, I ruin your life.'"
As for Krupt's other friends, they're treading carefully. "I just nod when he talks about movies now," shared Sarah Noid, a member of his now-very-anxious friend group. "And I carry a spoiler alert buzzer. Just in case."
Meanwhile, Spoilberg is reportedly investing in spoiler insurance, a burgeoning industry offering both financial compensation and therapy sessions for unintended plot revelations.
"At least he's not throwing rotten tomatoes at me," Spoilberg sighed. "Yet."
