Local Man Breaks Record: Fired in Five, a Testament to Efficiency

In a world where we champion speed - fast food, high-speed internet, instant messaging - one local man has raised the bar (or perhaps lowered it?) on efficiency. Meet Greg Piddleton, who was fired from his job a mere five minutes after being hired, setting what might be a world record and certainly a personal best.

"I always aim to make an impression," Greg said with a reflective smirk. "Didn’t realize I'd make it so fast."

The saga began when Greg, recently employed at QuickTech Enterprises, took the onboarding process a bit too literally. Within two minutes of entering the office, he'd onboarded his personal collection of garden gnomes onto his desk. By minute three, he'd reformatted his computer to run exclusively on an OS that was, according to him, "like Windows, but funkier."

Then, in a bold move that would make even the most seasoned employee wince, Greg approached the office coffee machine. In an attempt to make a cappuccino, he somehow initiated a sequence that led to an explosion of coffee beans, foam, and lukewarm water.

His manager, Mrs. Wimpleton, commented, "In all my years, I've never seen someone make such a... splash on their first day." She paused to glance at her coffee-stained blouse. "Literally."

By minute four, Greg had pitched three "revolutionary" ideas to improve office efficiency, including rollerblades for all employees to reduce time spent walking and a communal siesta hammock.

And by the fifth minute? Greg had the distinct honor of being escorted out by security, but not before offering them a gnome for the road.

When asked about his rapid exit from QuickTech, Greg seemed unfazed. "You know, some people spend years trying to get noticed at work. I did it in less time than it takes to microwave a burrito. I call that a win."

While Greg's stint at QuickTech was brief, his legend will undoubtedly live on. Employees have already begun an unofficial "Greg time" measurement, marking the moments from when something starts to when it inevitably goes awry.

As for Greg, he remains optimistic about the job market. "I've always been ahead of the curve," he said, adjusting his gnome-themed tie. "I'm just waiting for the right employer to catch up."

In the meantime, rumors swirl that Greg is starting his own consulting firm, specializing in "Efficiency and Impactful Impressions." We can only hope the business world is ready.