Nov 18, 2023

Local Man, 29, Vows to Buy New Car Daily, Continues to Borrow Dad's 1997 Toyota Corolla

In a stunning display of automotive ambition mixed with filial dependency, local 29-year-old Josh Miller has reportedly vowed to buy a new car every single day, yet somehow still finds himself behind the wheel of his dad's 1997 Toyota Corolla, a car that has seen more presidents than he has.

Miller, an aspiring influencer who specializes in motivational quotes he doesn't follow, has been making this bold claim daily since the beginning of the year. "Tomorrow is the day," Miller confidently tells his 47 Instagram followers, most of whom are bots or distant relatives. "You've got to visualize to materialize. #NewCarEveryDay."

However, sources close to Miller, including his ever-patient father, Bob, and his goldfish, Swim Shady, report that his vehicular upgrade is yet to materialize. Instead, Miller continues to utilize his dad's Corolla, a vehicle that has become a local legend due to its uncanny ability to survive Y2K, the 2008 financial crisis, and Josh's driving.

"I don't understand," said a perplexed Bob Miller, staring out the window at his son scraping a 'Bush/Cheney 2000' bumper sticker off the Corolla. "He talks about manifestation, but the only thing he's manifested is a new dent on the passenger side."

Excuses for not following through on his car-buying promise have ranged from the astrologically bizarre to the economically illiterate. "Mercury is in retrograde, so it's not a good time to make big purchases," Josh explained on a day that Mercury was, in fact, not in retrograde. On another occasion, he cited a sudden drop in Bitcoin as a reason, despite not owning any cryptocurrency.

Local car dealerships have begun to take bets on whether Miller will actually show up. "It's become a kind of office pool," chuckled Linda, a salesperson at Prestige Motors. "Every morning we draw dates. I had yesterday, but no luck. Today's winner gets a free lunch, but honestly, we're all losing hope."

Miller's friends are equally skeptical. "Josh has been talking about buying a Tesla, a BMW, even a Lambo," said longtime friend Mark Evans. "But the most horsepower I've seen him with is when he rode that pony at his niece's birthday party."

Despite the skepticism, Miller remains undeterred. His latest Instagram story featured him pointing at a picture of a Ferrari with the caption, "Manifesting this for tomorrow. #Blessed #NewCarDaily." Meanwhile, the Corolla, with its tape-deck and roll-up windows, waits patiently for its next adventure, probably to the local grocery store for energy drinks and instant ramen.

As the sun sets, the Corolla, covered in a fine layer of dust and ambition, sits quietly in the driveway. Inside, Miller is busy updating his vision board with pictures of cars cut out from a 2005 issue of 'Car and Driver.' Outside, the world keeps turning, unaware and largely uninterested in the saga of a man and his borrowed time machine on wheels.