Oct 17, 2023

Local Dad Enforces Professional Standards, Cuts Own Son from Pee Wee Football Team

In a move that's raising eyebrows all across the suburban enclave of Picket Fence, USA, local dad and self-described "next Belichick," Dave Gridiron, has made the unprecedented decision to cut his son, 6-year-old Tommy Gridiron, from the Mighty Tots, the neighborhood's most feared Pee Wee football team, for "lack of commitment, poor hand-eye coordination, and honestly, just bumming out the team's vibe."

"Look, here in the Mighty Tots, we have standards. Professional standards. You think the NFL cares if you're having a 'fun time'?" Dave argued, while expertly manning the grill during his press conference, attended by several bewildered neighbors and a very judgmental cat from next door. "Today, it's Pee Wee. Tomorrow, the Super Bowl. There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there's definitely a 'win' in 'winning,' which we're not doing!"

Tommy, unfazed by his expulsion, has been reportedly enjoying more of his free time engaging in other activities, like drawing, playing with his friends, and not being in the Mighty Tots. "I like dragons," he commented, showcasing a vibrant crayon masterpiece. His former teammates, the remaining Mighty Tots, have expressed deep admiration for Tommy's dragon, petitioning for it to be their new team mascot—a motion swiftly vetoed by Coach Dad for "lack of competitive spirit and insufficient intimidation tactics."

Meanwhile, Dave has assured the neighborhood that his decision, though seemingly harsh, is in the best interest of the team. "It's about discipline, structure, the long game," he explained, revealing plans to introduce a new, advanced playbook modeled after professional leagues, complete with codes and tactics the kids call "the squiggly doodles."

Despite the community's continued pleas for a more balanced approach to children's sports, Dave remains resolute, further citing plans to implement rigorous two-a-day practices, a strict keto diet for the team, and negotiations for a multi-million-dollar sponsorship deal with a leading brand in juice boxes.

The Mighty Tots' season continues, albeit amid growing concerns for the kids' understanding of the actual rules of football, or their insistence that "the floor is lava" constitutes a legitimate play.