Oct 15, 2023

Local Boy Accidentally Steps Foot on Area 51 Through Wormhole; Aliens Reportedly "Not Impressed"

By Ima Jokington, Galactic Affairs Correspondent

Smalltown, USA - In what could only be described as the most bizarre Tuesday morning in Smalltown history, 12-year-old Timmy Thompson found himself not on his way to school, but at the highly classified Area 51, all thanks to an unassuming wormhole near his bus stop.

The wormhole, which apparently opened up for a brief moment next to the Thompsons' white picket fence, sucked young Timmy in and deposited him smack in the middle of Area 51's cafeteria during what appeared to be alien lunch hour.

Eyewitness reports from extraterrestrial insiders suggest that the aliens were "thoroughly unimpressed" by Timmy's sudden appearance. Zog, a three-eyed being from the Alpha Centauri region, commented, "I mean, we've mastered interdimensional travel, and this kid thinks accidentally stepping into our turf is a big deal? Meh."

Another alien, Glip-Glop, who was munching on what appeared to be a neon green sandwich, added, "Back in my day, we had to dodge asteroid belts and black holes to get places. Kids these days just fall into wormholes."

The local conspiracy theorist, Mr. Clyde Barker, was ecstatic about the news. He told our reporters, "I've been saying for years that the government has wormholes scattered around town. Now, where's my tinfoil hat?"

In a swift damage control move, the U.S. government quickly returned Timmy back to Smalltown via an express wormhole service, with a complimentary "I visited Area 51 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" souvenir. The Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs issued a statement: "While we appreciate young Mr. Thompson's surprise visit, we'd like to remind the public that Area 51 is a restricted zone, wormhole or no wormhole. Also, for the record, our alien residents have confirmed that Earth's pizza is far superior to their home planet's."

Timmy's parents, though relieved at their son's safe return, couldn't help but share their own thoughts. "We always knew Timmy was special, but we didn't think he'd be meeting aliens before his teens," his mother quipped.

As for Timmy, he seemed largely unfazed by the entire episode. "It was kinda cool, I guess. But they didn't even have Wi-Fi," he lamented.