Nov 11, 2023

Local Bibliophile Experiences Existential Crisis After Soda Catastrophe Engulfs Precious Book Collection

Local book aficionado Jerry McPageface encountered what he describes as "the ultimate betrayal of the fizzy kind" when his beloved soda can committed an act of treason, resulting in a sticky, sugar-coated disaster across his prized book collection.

Sources close to McPageface report that the scene resembled something out of a Shakespearean tragedy, if Shakespeare had been obsessed with carbonated beverages and paperback novels. Witnesses say they heard a guttural cry of despair that echoed through the neighborhood, a sound so filled with anguish that even the local dogs paused their barking to pay respects.

The disaster unfolded on what began as a serene Sunday afternoon. McPageface, in an attempt to juggle a can of soda and the latest fantasy epic, fumbled, leading to the catastrophic soda spill. The books, unsuspecting victims in this fizzy fiasco, were drenched in a sticky shower, their pages forever marred by the sugary deluge.

In a statement to the press, McPageface lamented, "It was like watching a slow-motion nightmare. One moment, I'm about to dive into the world of dragons and wizards, and the next, it's a scene from a horror movie where the monster is... a soda can."

The aftermath was nothing short of a bibliophilic crime scene. Pages warped, words smudged, and covers forever tainted with the ghost of cola past. McPageface's collection, which ranged from rare first editions to beloved sci-fi series, suffered casualties that would make any book lover weep.

The local library has offered counseling services for those traumatized by the incident, with a special support group for those who have experienced similar beverage-related book tragedies. The group, aptly named "Soda-Soaked Souls," aims to provide a safe space for grieving book enthusiasts.

In an ironic twist, the book McPageface was reading at the time of the incident was titled "Surviving Unforeseen Disasters." The book is now being used as Exhibit A in what McPageface calls his "personal museum of soda-induced sadness."

As for the soda can, it has been sentenced to a life of isolation in the recycling bin, a fitting end for the perpetrator of such a literary crime. McPageface, meanwhile, vows to switch to water when reading, stating, "It's just not worth the risk. My books deserve better."

The community has rallied around McPageface, with local bookstores offering discounts to help rebuild his collection. But as McPageface notes, "Some of these books were like old friends. You can't just replace old friends, even if they were a bit sticky."

In a show of solidarity, book lovers around the town have started a movement, #BooksOverBeverages, advocating for the safe consumption of drinks around books. The message is clear: Keep your liquids away from your literature.

As the sun sets on this tragic tale, one thing remains certain – in the battle between books and beverages, it's best to keep your friends close, and your sodas even further.