Mega-church pastor Joel Osteen announced during a recent sermon that he has discovered the “Fourth Gospel,” conveniently tucked away between his credit cards and a crisp hundred-dollar bill in his wallet.
The “Gospel According to Joel,” as it’s being referred to, reportedly contains previously unknown teachings of Jesus that align perfectly with Osteen’s prosperity theology—a theology that teaches God rewards faith and positive confessions with material wealth and success.
“I was just rummaging through my wallet, looking for a little inspiration before my sermon, when lo and behold, I found this ancient manuscript right there next to my Visa card,” Osteen told his congregation, his teeth sparkling with divine radiance. “I knew it was a sign from God that I needed to share these teachings with the world.”
The newfound gospel includes parables that bear a striking resemblance to Osteen’s sermons, such as the Parable of the Blessed Bank Account and the Story of the Holy Tax Break. Critics are calling it the most convenient biblical discovery in history.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Ima Skeptic, a renowned biblical scholar. “It’s as if this gospel was tailor-made to support Joel Osteen’s theology. The odds of that happening are just... miraculous.”
Of course, not everyone is convinced of the gospel’s authenticity. Some have suggested that it might be a cleverly crafted forgery, designed to lend scriptural credence to Osteen’s controversial teachings. But the pastor has dismissed these claims, assuring his followers that the Gospel According to Joel is “100% Jesus-approved.”
“I know there are skeptics out there who will doubt the authenticity of this gospel,” Osteen said, wiping away a tear with a hundred-dollar bill. “But I just want to remind everyone that with faith and a positive confession, you too can discover a hidden gospel in your wallet. And who knows? Maybe it’ll be just what you need to take your prosperity to the next level.”
In the meantime, Osteen is reportedly planning to build a new wing onto his already massive church to house the Gospel According to Joel, complete with a gift shop where visitors can purchase their replica of the ancient manuscript, along with other prosperity-themed merchandise.
“It’s all about spreading the good news of wealth and success,” Osteen said with a smile. “And what better way to do that than with a little help from the Gospel According to Joel?”