Sep 30, 2023

Joel Osteen Announces New Mega Church Location: The Moon

Houston, TX— In a truly unexpected development, prosperity gospel preacher and televangelist extraordinaire Joel Osteen announced his latest venture: a new mega church location on the Moon. That's right, folks, heaven on Earth wasn't enough for Osteen; now, he's taking his divine message to the lunar surface.

Osteen, known for his infectious smile and a knack for turning scripture into self-help mantras, unveiled his out-of-this-world plan during a recent televised sermon. "God's blessings shouldn't be confined to our home planet," Osteen declared, "So, we're taking the gospel to the ultimate new frontier – the Moon!"

The new church, aptly named "Lunar Life Ministries," is set to be a sprawling complex complete with luxury space shuttles for congregants to commute to the Moon each Sunday. Osteen assured his followers that these space shuttles would have plush seats, in-flight spa services, and the "divine" touch of prosperity gospel throughout the journey.

The decision to establish a church on the Moon, Osteen explained, was divinely inspired. "God spoke to me," he proclaimed, "and said, 'Joel, why limit your message to just one planet when there's a whole cosmos out there waiting to be blessed?'" Apparently, the Almighty is quite the intergalactic real estate enthusiast.

In a bid to boost attendance, Osteen promised that anyone who tithes at least 10% of their income to Lunar Life Ministries will receive a personalized, signed moon rock from him as a token of gratitude. He added, "You can't put a price on salvation, but you can put a price on moon rocks, and they're going for a heavenly deal!"

Critics, however, are skeptical of Osteen's lunar ambition. They argue that building a mega church on the Moon might be a tad extravagant. Astronomers have also voiced concerns about lunar light pollution interfering with celestial observations.

But Osteen remains undeterred. He envisions a future where the Moon becomes a vacation hotspot for devout followers. "Picture this," he gushed, "Sunday service with Earthrise in the background, celestial choir music, and moonwalking ushers serving holy space coffee. It's going to be divine!"

Whether it's a celestial calling or simply an ingenious marketing strategy, one thing is for sure: Joel Osteen's lunar church promises a heavenly experience that's out of this world. So, get ready, fellow Earthlings, because the next time you look up at the night sky, you might just spot a neon sign that says, "Lunar Life Ministries – Where Blessings Have No Bounds!"