Nov 17, 2023

George Santos Bows Out of Reelection, Admits He's Run Out of Fake Backstories to Use

Rep. George Santos outside on the House on May 17, 2023. Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post via Getty Images

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Embattled Congressman George Santos announced today that he will not seek reelection, citing the complete depletion of his reserve of fictitious identities and fabricated life stories.

"I regret to inform my constituents that I've run out of believable alter egos," Santos said in a press conference, held suspiciously in the back room of a local Kinko's. "After careful consideration, and the realization that even my imaginary dog is now under investigation for tax fraud, I've decided not to run for office again."

Santos, who has faced numerous allegations of fabricating his resume, background, and possibly his own existence, expressed disappointment but remained characteristically optimistic. "It's been a wild ride," he said, adjusting a pair of glasses that suspiciously appeared to have no lenses. "But I think I've hit the limit of what I can convincingly lie about. I've been a star volleyball player, a Wall Street tycoon, a child prodigy at the age of 4, and a backup dancer for Shakira. Frankly, I'm exhausted."

Political analysts were not entirely surprised by the announcement. "We've been expecting this," said Dr. Emily Porter, a political science