In what legal experts are calling a flagrant misuse of the judiciary, and sports commentators are labeling a 'hilarious Hail Mary of justice,' Cowboy's cornerback Rick "Rough Justice" Jeffries has filed a petition for a Supreme Court review of his end-zone pass interference, claiming the call has precipitated a 'constitutional crisis of the first down order.'
The penalty, which occurred as time expired and subsequently set up the opposing team for a game-winning field goal, was a textbook case of pass interference, agree all who possess eyes and even a rudimentary understanding of football. Jeffries, however, insists not only was the call 'an affront to the sacred rights of defensive players everywhere,' but also 'a clear and present danger to the very fabric of American liberty.'
"We're not just talking about a haphazardly thrown flag here," Jeffries explained during a post-game press conference, where he sported a custom-made jersey featuring the Constitution's Preamble where his name should be. "This is a matter of constitutional law, as envisioned by our forefathers, who, need I remind you, did not have instant replay."
In his 150-page petition, a document featuring more Latin than the average Roman Senate meeting, Jeffries argues that the pass interference call violates his 5th Amendment rights to due process, constitutes an 8th Amendment 'cruel and unusual punishment,' and somehow infringes on the 22nd Amendment, which limits presidential terms.
The Supreme Court has not agreed to hear the case, possibly because it's preposterous, or perhaps because they’re still trying to figure out if this is part of some hidden-camera show. Legal scholars across the country have taken to social media to express their amusement, with one constitutional law professor tweeting, "I haven't laughed this hard since Prohibition was ratified!"
Meanwhile, the NFL has yet to issue a formal response, though an insider reported league executives were spotted laughing hysterically while reading the petition, with one gasping, "He's gone for it on fourth and long… through the legal system!"
As for the teammates left in Jeffries' theatrical wake? "We just hope Rick knows that the 'Supreme Court' isn't a higher tier of the 'Food Court,'" commented the team’s quarterback, amidst eye rolls. "Otherwise, we're never getting this guy back from the mall."
While legal analysts hold their sides in laughter, and his teammates wonder if they should send for a psychiatric evaluation or a social studies tutor, Jeffries remains stalwart in his quest for "gridiron justice." This historic play may not have made it into the sports highlight reels, but it’s certainly found a home in the blooper footage of American jurisprudence.