Nov 5, 2023

Climate Change Solved: Scientists Just Turn the Thermostat Down

Climatologists have reportedly solved the imminent threat of climate change by simply turning down Earth's thermostat. "We were poring over complex climate models and carbon offset strategies for decades," said Dr. Hilda Sparrow, the leader of the International Panel on Climate Mediation (IPCM). "Then it hit us—what if Earth has a thermostat, just like my Uncle Jerry’s house? We found it hidden behind a cumulus cloud near the ozone layer. We just changed it from 'Tropical' to 'Mild Spring Day,' and voilà!"

The thermostat, reportedly a standard Honeywell model that somehow controls the global climate, was discovered last Thursday when a wayward SpaceX satellite accidentally knocked into it, causing a sudden and unexpected snowfall over the Sahara Desert.

Environmentalists are hailing the discovery as a miraculous end to the years of policy paralysis and wrangling over emissions targets. "It turns out the Paris Accord was just overthinking things," commented a giddy policy analyst while throwing her Prius keys into the nearest recycling bin.

Energy companies have also embraced the discovery, with one coal industry CEO stating, "Now that we’ve cranked down the global thermostat, we can burn all the coal we want! It's like having your cake and eating it too, but the cake is made of fossil fuels."

Critics, however, are skeptical. "It's a temporary fix," argued one scientist, who was subsequently booed off stage at the press conference announcing the discovery. "What happens when Earth goes through menopause and starts having hot flashes?"

Meanwhile, the global population is adjusting to the new climate norm. Canadians have reportedly started to invest in sunscreen stock, while Australians are just happy to see rain again.

The United Nations, now rendered somewhat redundant in the climate debate, has shifted its focus to convincing Mars to install a similar device. "It's a bit chilly over there," stated the UN Secretary-General. "If we can crank Mars’ thermostat up a bit, we could be looking at beachfront property by 2050."

As the thermostat solution gains popularity, world leaders are congregating to discuss turning the dial just a smidge to the left to "see what happens." Despite warnings that the Earth's climate is not a toy, the temptation to fiddle with the newfound control is proving irresistible.

In the meantime, the IPCM has advised everyone to keep a light jacket on hand, just in case the Earth gets a little drafty.