October 13, 2023
In an unprecedented legal maneuver, local man Rick Quietude has filed for emotional distress damages following what he describes as the "most harrowing 128 minutes of my life" when his wife, Lisa Speakmore-Quietude, allegedly bombarded him with no fewer than 34 questions during the climactic scene of their Friday night movie.
The incident occurred during the couple's weekly movie night, a tradition Rick now calls "the gauntlet of gab." According to the emotionally scarred husband, the trouble began approximately 15 minutes into "Super Mega Explosions 5: Kaboom," when Lisa purportedly initiated her tactical assault with: "Honey, is that the guy from that other movie?"
"By the time the hero was dangling from a helicopter over a shark-infested volcano, she was questioning the plausibility of the stunt, asking about the lead actor's real age, wondering if we have milk for breakfast, and speculating whether cats in America eat lasagna," Rick recounted, trembling. "I couldn't hear the dialogue over my despair."
Legal experts are stunned by the case. "While we've seen suits for less—such as a man suing his dog for betrayal after fetching the neighbor's paper—we've never seen emotional distress claims over movie talkers," commented attorney Sue 'Emall.
Psychologists suggest that Lisa's inquiries, ranging from "What's his motive, again?" to "Do you remember if I locked the car?" represent a subconscious need for connection, or perhaps just an irrepressible curiosity. "Alternatively," suggests Dr. Gabby Chatterfield, "she might be messing with him. It's hard to tell."
The movie industry is reportedly watching the case closely. An insider shared, "We're considering adding a new warning label: 'Excessive questioning during this movie may result in legal action, divorce, or involuntary solitude.'"
Lisa, meanwhile, has launched a counterclaim for emotional neglect, citing that Rick has a longstanding habit of "selective listening" and never heard her say, "Let's pause it, I need to use the restroom."
The case unravels, setting a peculiar precedent in the legal system. Stay tuned for more updates on this groundbreaking story, and remember, folks—movie night is all fun and games until someone hits the pause button.
Up next: "Area Teen Grounded After Refusing to Stop Fast-Forwarding Through Family Movie Night."