Nov 8, 2023

Billionaire Buys Personal Space Program to Escape Family Group Chat

Billionaire tech mogul, Sir Trenton Brummel, has announced the launch of his own personal space program, not to explore the stars, but to escape the gravitational pull of his family’s group chat.

Dubbed "Solace I," the ambitious project is the first of its kind, with a single-seat spacecraft designed solely for the purpose of putting as much distance between Brummel and his relatives’ relentless messaging as possible.

Speaking from his minimalist office, which is suspiciously void of any family photos, Brummel explained the motivation behind his latest venture. "Every day, it's a barrage of baby photos, memes from 2009, and passive-aggressive reminders about birthdays. It was either investing in this space program or learning how to mute the chat. And frankly, this seemed easier.”

The spacecraft, which is being developed by Brummel's newly minted company, “Escape Velocity Communications,” is reported to come equipped with state-of-the-art features such as an auto-reply system that can simulate Brummel’s texting style with eerie accuracy, complete with his signature overuse of the thumbs-up emoji.

When asked about the cost of such a venture versus the simple 'do not disturb' feature on most smartphones, Brummel waved his hand dismissively. “Money is no object when it comes to avoiding the seventh ‘funny cat fail’ video of the morning or my aunt's questions about why I'm still single at family reunions. Solace I is about making a statement that no dinner invitation is worth this torment.”

Experts say that Brummel's project may be the catalyst for a new space race among the elite, with rumors circulating that several billionaires are already in talks to establish their own personal space havens to dodge various social obligations, such as high school reunions and jury duty.

The program has drawn some criticism, with one detractor claiming, "This is just another example of extravagant problem-solving by those who could simply turn off their notifications or, God forbid, confront their family dynamics.”

Despite the naysayers, Brummel's vision for a peaceful orbital retreat is well underway. The launch, which will not be broadcasted for fear of his family tuning in and sending a flurry of congratulatory messages, is set to coincide with his mother’s annual request for him to host the family Thanksgiving dinner.

At press time, sources confirmed that Brummel's family had started a new group chat dedicated to planning a surprise welcome-back party for his post-orbital return, blissfully unaware of the silent scream echoing in the vacuum of space.