Oct 20, 2023

Biden Requests Mere $100 Billion Pocket Change to Fund Trio of Global Side Hustles

In an act of financial wizardry reminiscent of a child in a candy store, President Joe Biden has tendered a modest request to Congress for a trifling $100 billion. This pocket change is earmarked for a trio of global side hustles: Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. It seems a late-night infomercial has inspired the President to diversify his portfolio of goodwill, just at a slightly higher price tag.

With the national debt looking more like the score of a hyper-inflated basketball game, what's a few more billion to sprinkle across the globe? Biden took to the podium with the gusto of a seasoned televangelist, selling salvation in the form of dollar bills to nations near and far. He eloquently said, “It’s like a global yard sale, but everything is free…well, for them, not us.”

The astronomical figure is merely a drop in the financial bucket, already leaking faster than a White House leak to the press. With the grace of a cat on a hot tin roof, Congress now gets to deliberate how to carve out this new financial endeavor without making the American taxpayers’ wallets spontaneously combust.

The president's global philanthropy didn’t stop at the dollar sign, he’s also thrown in a set of steak knives for every billion spent. And, as a bonus, the first 50 Congress members to endorse the bill will receive an exclusive VIP tour of the mint, where they can witness the birth of the dollars destined for foreign shores.

Biden’s sudden urge to become the global sugar daddy has raised eyebrows higher than the national debt. Critics argue that perhaps those billions could patch a few potholes on Main Street or fund a nationwide search for where all the lost socks in the laundry end up. But, alas, the allure of international applause rang louder than the cries of domestic budgetary despair.

The aid package, dubbed by insiders as "Uncle Sam’s Dollar Dispensary," is expected to sail through Congress faster than a hot knife through butter. After all, what’s a budget among friends, especially when it’s everyone’s favorite Uncle picking up the tab?

As the ink dries on this historical financial fable, the American populace is left to ponder the age-old question: if a billion dollars falls in a foreign forest and there’s no one around to count it, does it make a deficit?