Aliens Refuse to Visit Earth, Citing 'Terrible Yelp Reviews'

In an intergalactic blow to Earth’s tourism industry, extraterrestrial beings from across the Milky Way have decided to take our planet off their vacation bucket list, citing ‘abysmal’ ratings on Yelp, the popular review site.

"Three stars? Seriously, we might as well go to Pluto," scoffed Xylarx, a four-eyed, tentacled tourist from the fashionable Nebula District. "I heard the humans don’t even have telepathy. How primitive can you get?"

Earth’s Yelp page, now a universal laughing stock, is littered with scathing reviews and one-star ratings, with common complaints ranging from ‘too much pollution’ to ‘inhabitants prone to random acts of violence.’

"The traffic is a nightmare," wrote Zogtron, a frequent space traveler from Alpha Centauri. "And don’t even get me started on the customer service. I tried to ask for directions, and they just kept pointing their selfie sticks at me."

Others pointed out the glaring lack of amenities that have become standard on other planets. "No anti-gravity lounges? No molecular enhancers? This place is a dump," read one review.

Some extraterrestrials, however, were more constructive in their criticism. "Look, Earth has potential," said Glip-Glop, a renowned alien food critic. "But they need to work on their cuisine. I ordered a ‘hamburger’ and it was just a slab of meat on a bun. Where’s the innovation? Where’s the flair?"

In response to the negative reviews, Earth’s leaders have vowed to make improvements. "We are taking these comments very seriously," said a spokesperson from the United Nations, before adding, "and we would also like to remind our extraterrestrial friends that Yelp reviews are subjective and not always reflective of the overall experience."

But until Earth’s rating improves, it seems that aliens will be taking their tourism dollars elsewhere. "Why would I go to Earth when I could go to Mars?" asked Xylarx. "I hear the rovers are very friendly."

And with that, our planet’s fate was sealed—not with a bang, but with a one-star review.